Friday, November 2, 2012

Creepozoids? More Like CRAPozoids! High Five!...Anyone?...: "Creepozoids" (1987)

The year is 1998, six years after a nuclear war has leveled the earth. Don't you love sci-fi movies that make dire futuristic predictions, just so we can live through the very years that are supposed to be among mankind's worst? Anyway, a band of two women and three men, all army deserters, find a strange bunker laboratory where an experiment gone awry waits to pick them off one by one... if you have chills from this plot description, turn down your air conditioner. This same exact plot has been done to death in so many films, I am sick of mentioning it, although I just did. What is wrong with this film? Where do I begin?

The budget is so low, when characters run down the main laboratory hallway, you can tell it is obviously a self storage locker building someplace. The band of deserters have deserted the army, even though the long prologue tells us the earth is a burnt out shell. Who is the army fighting if everyone was killed by the nuclear fallout and acid rain? The army must also be desperate for recruits. Count how many times a creature or giant rat attacks someone while another cast members just stand there and watch, "frozen in fear." The creature, looking like a giant dung beetle (how appropriate, he should have started eating the script first), is never explained, except for some talk about amino acids. There is a scene that rips off "Alien"'s dinner time/chest explosion scene, except the budget was so low, the guy has a hissy fit and spits black goo. After most of the cast is killed, the lone survivor kills the creature. The creature then regenerates a killer baby through its head, and the survivor must fight the baby, eventually killing it by strangling it with its own umbilical cord... nice, huh? How did the baby regenerate? I do not know, and the film makers decided it was not important enough to explain.

Linnea Quigley finds time with all the hullabaloo and goings-on to have a shower quickie with one of the hunky deserters. The other female also tries to take a shower, but she forgot her death was scheduled at the same time, and prior commitments should be honored.

The monster lives in a room only accessed through ventilation shafts that lead to a desk where the compound's only computer rests. Everyone stares at the computer, then crawls under the desk to find some answers. The film is less than eighty minutes long, and is padded with cast members crawling around the ventilations shafts with flashlights...and crawling...and finding some goo...and crawling...and crawling some more. Watch for the end credits, perhaps the slowest credits scroll ever committed to celluloid.

So, what is a "creepozoid," anyway? I do not know, no one in the film ever says that word. This "Creepozoids," on the other hand, is a cheap gory mess that seems to have been written around Quigley's two nude scenes. Do not bother exerting any effort to see this, the film makers sure did not exert any effort to make this. (*) out of five stars.

And Finally Just Sex: "Erotic Confessions: Pleasure" (1998)

This silly video has five vignettes, all posing as letters being read by a busty erotica writer who hangs around her house half naked. "Games People Play" involves a strip poker game that degenerates into truth or sexual dare, and finally just sex. "Chalk It Up" has a couple playing pool for fun and finally just sex. "The Business Trip" involves a female scientist at a convention who can hear the people next door in the hotel make love, she befriends them, and finally just sex. "Lap Dance" has a car salesman obsessed with a stripper, who likes him too, and finally just sex. "Madelyn's Laundry" involves a fashion designer who models lingerie when a stranger walks in on her, she sells him some clothing, and finally just sex.

The acting here is atrocious and the stories have no basis in reality, as well as some of the females' bust sizes. The director is careful not to make any of the stories interesting, and succeeds. "Erotic Confessions: Pleasure" is softcore drivel of the lowest caliber, and makes "Red Shoe Diaries" look like "Casablanca." (*) out of five stars.