Monday, December 30, 2013

The World According to Bauji: "Ankhon Dekhi (Before My Eyes)" (2013)

Deciding to reject everything you have assumed in life, and only believing what you experience physically, is a strange way to live. Is the Earth round? Maybe, but you only see flatness. Is there a God? Perhaps, but where are the miracles? Rajat Kapoor gives us an entertaining story of one man's rejection of his own world.

Bauji (Sanjay Mishra) is the patriarch of his crowded household that includes his wife Amma (Seema Pahwa) and children, as well as his brother's family. After his daughter Rita (the beautiful Maya Sarao) is forbidden to see her new boyfriend Ajju (Namit Das), Bauji and his friends decide to go to the young lothario's home to rough him up and keep him from his daughter.

What they find at Ajju's house is a nice young man terrified that these men have forced their way in and want to harm him. Bauji is changed by this. Ajju is nothing like he was told, and Bauji decides from then on he will only believe what he can see and experience personally. His family is thrown into tumult as he quits his job as a travel agent (how can he book passengers to fly to cities he has never seen?), and eventually acquires a group of followers. They sit around his house, and quiz him, first to laugh at him, then to learn from him. Chacha (Rajat Kapoor), Bauji's brother, moves out, and a rift develops as Bauji uses his new philosophy trying to solve everyday problems like his son who is flunking math, and another family member who is suddenly in debt to a gambling house.

Kapoor writes, directs, and costars in this nice little fable. It rarely goes outside of the family's small group of rooms, but Kapoor does a great job of keeping things moving. In fact, this could easily be adapted to play on the stage, the themes are universal, and many observers will be able to relate to Bauji.

Sanjay Mishra is wonderful as Bauji. He is soft-spoken, and as an actor, he doesn't call attention to his character by chewing the scenery or stealing scenes. The progression of his mocking, then worshipping, disciples is nicely handled. There are light touches mixed with the pathos, although some of the subplots wander in their own direction and get lost. Kapoor's screenplay lurches off the narrative path here and there. I could see a Hollywood remake of this starring Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey, and going the goofball route. Kapoor should be applauded for digging deeper, and not insulting the viewer's intelligence with dumb situations.

"Ankhon Dekhi (Before My Eyes)" had its world premiere at the South Asian International Film Festival earlier this month, and is definitely worth a look. This is one of those films that you are sad to see end (in a memorable climax), but Bauji and his outlook will stick with you. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Boogie Nights Lite: "Lovelace" (2013)

Linda Boreman's tale is a cautionary one. Blinded by love for the wrong man, she would end up being coerced into doing anything she could to make him happy and save her own life. This biopic shows us the rise and fall of porn icon Linda Lovelace, but unfortunately, it's a story you know all to well.

Twenty year old Linda (Amanda Seyfried) is in Florida, living at home with her stern mother (Sharon Stone) and nice father (Robert Patrick). Linda meets up with Chuck (Peter Sarsgaard), a ne'er-do-well who instantly attracts the repressed young woman, still being punished for having a baby out of wedlock (the child was put up for adoption, against Linda's wishes).

Chuck charms the parents, but after she comes home late and is slapped by her mother, Linda moves out of the house and into the arms of Chuck. Things go okay for a while, until Chuck gets into some legal trouble with his bar, and convinces Linda to go into porn as a way for them to get money. It's the '70's, so why not? After one of the film's best scenes (the audition where Chuck shows the film makers a home movie of Linda's oral talents), Linda finds herself shooting "Deep Throat" with a very nice leading man (a good Adam Brody who looks nothing like Harry Reems), and Chuck is left out in the cold. The film catapults Lovelace to superstardom. As the film makers get to the halfway point of the story, she is taking bows at a screening where she has met Hugh Hefner (James Franco) and other celebrities.

Fast forward six years later, and Lovelace is taking a lie detector test from Eric Roberts (one of the film's many "huh?" cameos). She is ready to write a book about what really happened behind the scenes, and in her relationship with Traynor, who she had divorced. Now remarried and living a normal suburban life, Lovelace tells the harrowing tale of physical abuse at the hands of Traynor, and that "Deep Throat" is nothing more than a week-long filmed sexual coercion.

The documentary film makers Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman have branched out into docudramas, and created "Howl," the best film of 2010. This take on the porn industry of the 1970's is an important story, but coming on the heels of the better "Boogie Nights" and the documentary "Inside Deep Throat," it feels unnecessary. I never saw "Deep Throat," but I did have the misfortune to sit through "The Confessions of Linda Lovelace," which featured an actress wearing a veil and outtakes from the original film. I read both of Lovelace's books, "Ordeal" and "Out of Bondage," (cowritten with Mike McGrady), and they are harrowing tomes. Shocking and salacious. Lovelace's honesty was questioned often about how much coercion was actually involved, but her supporters point to her seemingly willing behavior on set (unlike the film suggests, she made more than one pornographic film, as well as some softcore movies) as an example of post-traumatic stress disorder and being in an abusive relationship.

I bring up Lovelace's books because the writing of "Ordeal" figures prominently in the film. If Epstein and Friedman had "gone there," the film may have been stronger. Instead, the "good girl gone bad" plot is dragged out. The film is barely an hour and a half, and could have been double that with the amount of situations Lovelace found herself in before, during, and after her infamous fifteen minutes of fame. Seyfried looks the part, and does a nice job portraying Lovelace. She even resembles Sharon Stone a little bit, and their scenes crackle, especially when Linda returns home begging to stay. Another fantastic home life scene is a wrenching telephone conversation between Linda and her father, who saw his daughter's film and had to walk out. Really great stuff, and the film should have featured more of that. We never get any information regarding what Linda's second husband and children thought of her porn past, even though her children served as consultants to the producers. The film makers hinge their story on Andy Bellin's screenwriting trick of telling us "what really happened" in the second half of the film, but there is none of the imaginative energy that made "Howl" so special. The film looks amazing, the costuming, the editing, the soundtrack...all top notch. I don't know if the film was tampered with in post-production, but I am curious to see what was left on the cutting room floor.

There is no confidence to "Lovelace." Did the film makers decide no one remembers "Star 80," so we'll go that route? Val Kilmer in "Wonderland" presented an excellent look at a porn performer caught up in the debauchery of the times. Instead, excellent turns by Hank Azaria and Chris Noth are forgotten in the midst of cameos like Chloe Sevigny's two second, one line credited performance. Linda Lovelace died in a car accident over a decade ago, and her life is still being told and talked about. In this instance, the books "Ordeal" and "Out of Bondage" are much better than the film "Lovelace." (* * *) out of five stars.

Monday, November 11, 2013

"Young Goodman Brown and Other Short Stories" by Nathaniel Hawthorne

Taken from many sources, this collection of stories provides an introduction to the sometimes surprising genre writings of Nathaniel Hawthorne, best known as the author of "The Scarlet Letter," the arch-enemy book of my high school years.

"Dr. Heidegger's Experiment" reads like notes for a longer science fiction work that never came to fruition. Four elderly people gather at a scientist's home to sample something that might change their lives. There is very little characterization, despite some detailed introductions, and the story plays out unsatisfactorily.

"The Birthmark" reads better, a story about scientist Aylmer's efforts to rid his wife Georgianna of a birthmark on her cheek. Hawthorne is very visual here, and while the dialogue is melodramatic, I could imagine everything he wrote. The author is making a comment about science, and how new discoveries blind the scientist to the bigger picture.

Aside from the obvious metaphor of "Young Goodman Brown" (his name is Goodman, and he's a GOOD MAN), this tale of a young husband trekking into the dark woods to attend a meeting of a coven of witches, made up of the godly folk of his village, is pure paranoid horror. This tale has been copied many times, but it is quite effective and creepy.

"Rappaccini's Daughter" is a densely worded tale of a young man falling for a beautiful woman who is literally poison to those around her. It is high melodrama, and contains an odd prologue that isn't essential to the story, but all in all, it is still good.

My favorite tale of the collection has to be "Roger Malvin's Burial." The story of two wounded soldiers in the wilderness, and one dying from his injuries, spans a few years. You may begin to figure out what happens to the survivor, but the climax is both emotional and heartbreaking. A great story.

"The Artist of the Beautiful" is a well-written but meandering tale about a watchmaker's life-long project. He gives up and is re-inspired one too many times, but Hawthorne says a lot about artists and their work.

The suspense built in "My Kinsman, Major Molineux" isn't menacing, but still interesting. A young country boy scours a large city looking for his benefactor, and eventually finds him. I really enjoyed this story, too.

I hated "The Scarlet Letter," having read it in high school. I didn't read any Hawthorne again until "Young Goodman Brown and Other Short Stories," and now think I might have to pick up his famous novel again...after I go through a few other books in my library. I do recommend this collection, however. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

An Almost Perfect Independent Film: "Theresa Is a Mother" (2015)

Theresa (C. Fraser Press) is an unsuccessful singer in New York City freshly evicted from her apartment with her three daughters. She drives back to her hometown, and stays with her parents Roy and Cloris (the excellent Richard Poe and Edie McClurg), and tries to find work in the small town. There is a family tragedy that haunts Theresa, and has never really been addressed by her parents. As her daughters try to fit in, and Roy and Cloris' lives are disrupted, Theresa tries to balance responsibility and her rebellious attitude.

This is not one of those "I don't need a man to stand on my own" stories. Theresa is, in fact, a mess. Her punk-inspired songs are atrocious. Her relationship with her parents is so strained, they don't recognize their own granddaughters. She does finally get a job mowing lawns by under bidding the only local Jewish boy (Matthew Gumley), and is later hired by the boy's clueless father to write a song for a bar mitzvah. Part of the charm of the film is that Theresa and her family are so flawed.

The cast is outstanding, across the board. The Press daughters are professional and turn in actual performances. McClurg and Poe have a great chemistry, and play the broad comic scenes (the hot tub parties) as well as the dramatic very well. C. Fraser Press wrote the screenplay, knows Theresa inside and out, and triumphs in the role. It's a very fine line between sympathy and quirky, and Press walks that line well. I did not find any of the characters irritating, they all have a charm of their own- even the minor ones like the prostitutes hanging out in front of her apartment building, and the TV preacher/cook.

The Press' direction and use of widescreen is lovely. The scenes of Theresa riding around on a child's bike looking for work in the small town are nothing short of classic. Daughter Maggie's (Schuyler Iona Press) forced friendship with the Jewish boy, Seth, is well written. The editing is quick for a story that isn't all plot all the time, some of the best scenes are the interaction between Theresa and either her daughters or her parents.

The Press family does an incredible job in "Theresa Is a Mother." One or two scenes don't work, but as a whole, the film is funny and I liked all the characters. What more could I ask for? (* * * * *) out of five stars.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Mike Wiley's Tour de Force: "DAR HE: The Lynching of Emmett Till" (2013)

The senseless 1955 murder of teenager Emmett Till marked a turning point in the civil rights movement in the southern United States. Mike Wiley turns the story into a one man show, literally a one man show- playing almost two dozen speaking parts, male and female, himself.

Till was a fourteen year old boy from Chicago visiting relatives in the small town of Money, Mississippi. While hanging around with some cousins, the boy was dared into talking to a white store owner, and either made some inappropriate comments and touched her, or what he said to her was misinterpreted (he had a stutter he sometimes solved by whistling). The woman's husband and his half-brother kidnapped Till a few days later, beat and killed him, and dumped his body in a local river. His mother famously held an open casket funeral, showing the world the torture Emmett went through, and the two men responsible for his murder were found not guilty, and later told a reporter about how they did in fact murder the youth. They could not be retried thanks to double jeopardy.

According to the end credits, this film is an adaptation of a play written by Mike Wiley, and I assume it was a one-man show. Director Underhill opens up the story, and through the use of some unobtrusive yet effective special effects and editing (well done by Larry J. Gardner), Wiley is able to play off himself in scenes from Till's life and the aftermath of his death. This is not a photographed stage presentation, Wiley puts on costuming to play all the characters on location.

Watching a man in drag play a woman in such a serious film is disconcerting at first. Also, Wiley portrays the white murderers without any makeup to look Caucasian (thank goodness). He is a versatile performer, slightly changing his voice to fit the role without too much effort. His best scene, ironically, is as Emmett's mother Mamie, as she describes examining the body of her dead son. You forget this is a man telling the story, as the mother's love comes through.

I am still waiting for Hollywood to make a definitive version of the events that happened, and I am surprised they have not yet. In the meantime, while it is not perfect, "DAR HE: The Lynching of Emmett Till" is a very good telling of those sad, stupid events, done with a passion for the subject and for the craft of acting and film making in general. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Monday, November 4, 2013

"H.N.I.C." by Albert "Prodigy" Johnson with Steven Savile

Albert "Prodigy" Johnson, of the rap duo Mobb Deep, creates a short readable piece of crime fiction with Steven Savile.

The novella is brisk, and introduces the reader to Pappy, a computer whiz looking to get out of his bleak inner-city existence for a better life in...Detroit? He is friends with the seemingly unbalanced Black, and they commit petty crimes trying to fund their drugs-and-women lifestyles. A bank job goes wrong, and Black kills a man, forcing Pappy to hang around longer to make some money to start a new life. Pappy is also concerned for Tonya, the beaten addict Black claims as his own. Following the tried-and-true formula, Black talks Pappy into committing "one last job," which is rife with double-crosses and senseless murder.

What Johnson has written here certainly feels modern (there is an Obamacare reference), but the plot has been around since the days of the Old West. I don't think you are supposed to root for the criminals, but I did sympathize with Pappy's plight. The writing style spends no time on physical appearances or setting, and instead quickly throws the reader into the action. There is no "Ocean's Eleven"-type minutiae about the two robberies in the novella because the planning that goes into them are haphazard.

Full of profanity and bloody violence, Johnson tells his story efficiently. Like I said, the plot has been done before, and that is the book's main drawback. I wanted something unexpected to happen, but familiarity was outweighed by the suspense of what would happen to Pappy. Maybe because of who Johnson is, the story felt very realistic, and you know this has happened before in real life.

I don't know gangster rap from plastic wrap, every time I try to type Mobb Deep, my fingers want to spell out "Mos Def," but Johnson's story is a brutal and quick read. "H.N.I.C." is also a cautionary tale, custom-made for the big screen. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Okay, Fine, I'll Bite, How DO You Get to Carnegie Hall?: "Music of the Heart" (1999)

Wes Craven directs Oscar winner Meryl Streep in a blood drenched tale of classical music, horsehair violin bows, and revenge...okay, not really.

Streep is Roberta, a recently single mother who moves back home with her mother (an underused Cloris Leachman), and decides what she needs to do next. She meets with old friend Brian (Aidan Quinn), and gets a tip about the needs for inner city music teachers, gathers her moxie and spunk, and wins over Principal Williams (Angela Bassett) and begins teaching violin to the youths. At home, her confidence is shattered as she deals with the break-up of her marriage, and Brian's fear of commitment, but her abrasive style at the schools wins the grudging respect of her students. After a few tumultuous relationships, students, and years, her position is threatened, and Roberta must go to extraordinary lengths to both help the kids and keep her job.

Based on a true story, which was documented in the film "Small Wonders," "Music of the Heart" is good. All caps GOOD. Craven took some heat for going outside the horror genre that made his career, and while his direction is not flashy (I am glad he didn't feel the need to make a point with a bunch of bells and whistles), it has no edge, as well. Same with the script by Pamela Gray. The story takes place in inner city New York City schools, but the PG rated film does not show us how these children benefit from the East Harlem Violin Program. When a situations arises (the angry mother, the jerk music teacher, a kid is shot in a drive-by), it is solved by Streep with a heartfelt monologue or hug, and then everyone goes back to rehearsing their violin. A tougher approach to the material might have made the program seem more beneficial to the viewer.

The Oscar familiar cast is pretty good, considering the material. Quinn is always reliable, but he doesn't play a character here, he plays a plot device. We need Brian to show us how Roberta toughens up and changes, and I did not believe he existed in real life for one second. The scenes leading up to a triumphant concert at Carnegie Hall are beautifully done, and Streep is game to carrying the entire film. She isn't as ballsy as the real life Roberta came across in "Small Wonders," but she is still good. A younger Anne Bancroft would have had a field day with this role. Gloria Estefan is also good in her acting debut, but again, isn't given that much to do.

"Music of the Heart" is a treacly, awful title. It sounds like one of those horrible made-for-television films you find on basic cable at noon on a weekday. It's too bad Craven couldn't go the David Cronenberg route, able to parlay a horror career into even more interesting material. Instead, we get GOOD. He, and we, should demand GREAT. Give this one a look, get warm and fuzzy, and move on. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

"Movie Monsters in Scale: A Modeler's Gallery of Science Fiction and Horror Figures and Dioramas" by Mark C. Glassy

Mark C. Glassy is a scientist who considers himself cancer's enemy, admirably fighting the disease through research and development of scalpel-free treatments. But on the weekends, during the early morning hours, Glassy creates monsters and aliens with his own two hands- and then displays them depending on how much shelf space he has available.

Glassy is a rabid science fiction film fan, and his love of the genre has transformed itself into model building. He started as a youngster, gave it up for a few years while in school and having a family, but took it up again with such earnestness that he now has a website and this book. He was not formally trained in art, and this interesting book is not a how-to for modelers. Glassy shows off some figures of his collection, showing his appreciation of the cinematic arts through modeling arts.

The author does cover technique, telling the reader what has worked for him over the years. While my interest wandered, waiting for the good stuff, I kept noting how much Glassy loves this hobby of his. The pictures of his models begin, and he goes in chronological order, based on a film's release. The black and white photos of silent-era monsters like 1910's Frankenstein, Nosferatu, and Lon Chaney, Sr.'s Phantom and Quasimodo, are simply stunning. Glassy gives a synopsis of the film, credits the model's sculptor when he is able to, and talks briefly about the problems and solutions involved in constructing a specific model.

Glassy spends more time on the better known films of the talkie era, like "Bride of Frankenstein" and "The Wolf Man," and even somehow has kits from the 1950's nuclear fright films consisting of giant insects, and aliens landing in Washington, DC. There are two color sections in the middle of the book, and I quickly wished the entire book was in color, since the models are so impressive.

The models begin to thin out toward the end, after covering the 1960's (the 1970's are represented by just two films), I think because from the 1970's on, there hasn't been enough interest in models of the harder science fiction and fantasy films. Hammer Studios is covered nicely, and I was most impressed with skeletal work from both "Jason and the Argonauts" and "Godzilla." Glassy mentions he is done with bones and skeletons, considering the amount of time and intensity involved!

The main drawback to the book is a functional one. Often, Glassy would be going into detailed explanations of how a model came together, and the reader must flip back or forth in the book to see the item in question. Also, aside from the two sections of color photographs, the majority of the pictures are black and white, negating Glassy's descriptions of getting a subject's coloring just right.

I built many plastic models back in elementary school, mostly vehicles and aircraft from World War II, before finding other interests. I confess that I do not have the patience to build one of those simple kits today, much less go into the kind of detail Glassy must use to bring his kits to life. His collection is a sight to behold, and his enthusiasm is infectious. You may not ever build one of these figures, but "Movie Monsters in Scale: A Modeler's Gallery of Science Fiction and Horror Figures and Dioramas" left me yearning to watch some old horror and sci-fi flicks. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

You'll Never Think of 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' the Same Way Again: "Small Wonders" (1995)

An inspiring documentary that spawned an Academy Award nominated feature film, "Small Wonders" deftly avoids many expected cliches.

Roberta Guaspari is a music teacher who serves three different elementary schools in New York City. Because of budget cuts, her violin program is on the chopping block, but a benefit concert is being held at Carnegie Hall, and the film makers follow Roberta around as she readies her sometimes unruly kids for the big night.

Director Miller's camera is very unintrusive, and the talking heads are kept to a minimum. I did think Guaspari would be a pie-eyed teacher spending the film talking about the magical innocence of children, but she is tough with her students. They seem to respond, using the discipline of learning the violin to improve other areas of their lives. The film makers follow one student, Jose, and his family, but she calls him out on his errors just as often as she does the other children. One scene has her kicking a student out for forgetting her violin on practice day, and not missing a beat keeping the other kids in line.

The highlight of the film is the Fiddlefest concert, and a jaw dropping segment featuring over a dozen famous violinists paired with some of Roberta's students. The sequence is pretty amazing, whether you are familiar with classical music or not. Technically, the film is average. Shot on video, it looks older than it is. I would be interested in seeing an update about some of the kids we meet, and Roberta herself. This film was nominated for a Best Documentary Oscar, and spawned "Music of the Heart" starring Meryl Streep as Roberta. That film also garnered Oscar nods.

"Small Wonders" is a small film with a big voice. Some of the hippie-dippie staff and teachers at the alternative schools are funny, but Roberta plugs along, teaching her way. This film is a must for inspiring educators everywhere, and happens to entertain the rest of us as well. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Friday, October 11, 2013

"Marvelous Sauce"- Marvelous Sauce

This new self-titled CD from a Canadian group is currently on many college charts around the country, although you have probably heard music similar to this before. Do you remember that "jazzy" streak that hit popular music in the middle to late eighties? Groups like Double, Spandau Ballet, Level 42, and Breathe made it big.

Marvelous Sauce brings back that era with the first song on the album- "Sister Knows What To Do." To get an idea of what this song sounds like, think of Breathe at their weakest. Next is "Animals on Bicycles," which starts out fine, but sinks with poor lyrics. The song seems like an inside joke: "Animals on bicycles...they're likable/Thoroughly respectable in overalls." "The Amended Will" tells an odd story of a man dying of a heart attack. The song sounds like something from The Replacements, complete with bouncy guitar melody. "Medium" is also helped by better music than lyrics. Heck, think of Breathe at their best in a song praising the virtues of anonymity and mediocrity. "Strength and Sobriety" is probably the best cut on the album. It sounds like an early Billy Joel song, with some great piano and vocal arrangements. "Talk About You" has everything but soul and feeling. Unmemorable, to say the least. "Move on Living" also falls into that category. "On My Floor" is better, thanks to a distinguished vocal arrangement, although the lyrics are a mystery. "Underwater"'s melody is everywhere. You will need a map to keep up. "Temporarily Aside" is another strong cut with strong lyrics and a wonderful organ riff.

The group's singer and lyricist, Stephen Barrick, has a nice range, although some of his lyrics seem silly. The rest of the band is very good, with Joe Rozier's piano, organ, and keyboards doing a fantastic job. Unfortunately, Rozier is under a "Special Appearance by..." credit. Strongest cuts on the album: "The Amended Will," "Strength and Sobriety," "Temporarily Aside," and "Medium." My grade for "Marvelous Sauce" - Marvelous Sauce: C+.

Lonely Video Reviews- "The Clan of the Cave Bear," "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," and "The Unborn"

So, my fiancee and I went back to the video rental store. We almost broke off our engagement as we wandered around arguing over what to get. After an hour, we had made up about three times and picked our choices for this issue.

"The Clan of the Cave Bear" is based on the best selling novel by Jean Auel. My fiancee has read it about a hundred times, and was finally going to see the movie. The heroine of the film is Ayla, played by Daryl Hannah ("Splash," "Steel Magnolias"), the first feminist Cro-Magnon cavewoman. She is adopted by a tribe of Neanderthals, who consider her ugly and bad luck. Pamela Reed ("The Best of Times," "Kindergarten Cop") has a great role as her adoptive mother. Ayla starts causing trouble by doing things like not bowing to the men and hunting on her own. The film was shot in British Columbia and is well done. The tribe communicate with grunts and gestures, which are all subtitled. My only problem is with Hannah, who looks like she strolled out of her hairdresser's salon to do this role. My fiancee liked it a little less, saying it was a disgrace to the book and Jean Auel. Yes, dear.

Next, we popped in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." We had never seen it before, so I guess that makes us "virgins"...but anyway, it was quite the experience. What can be said about this movie that hasn't been said so far? The plot, as it is, is indescribable. It is fun to watch big stars of today like Tim Curry ("Oscar," "Annie," "The Hunt for Red October"), Susan Sarandon ("Atlantic City," "Bull Durham," "Thelma & Louise") and Barry Bostwick (in just about every TV movie ever made) wearing corsets and stockings and having a jolly good time. Meat Loaf, that fat guy with the great voice, is also in this one. You've heard about it for years, just go rent it, you'll never forget it. My fiancee thought it was weird, strange, and kinky.

Finally, "The Unborn." Brooke Adams ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers") returns to the horror genre in a big way. The story is about this geneticist who is inseminating pregnant women with mutant sperm in order to build a master race. The gore is especially powerful because it involves alot of pregnant women and fetuses. It's a wild ride until the end, when bad special effects begin to unravel it. Of course, after seeing this, my fiancee doesn't want to bear any of my children after we are married.

Remember, go to your local video store and look for the lonely videos that no one else wants. And if you hear two people viciously arguing over whether to get "The Faces of Death" or "Porky's," just introduce yourself. My fiancee and I would love to meet you.

"The Clan of the Cave Bear" (1986) 100 min. Grade: B
Directed by Michael Chapman; Screenplay by John Sayles based on the novel by Jean Auel; Featuring: Daryl Hannah, Pamela Reed, James Remar, Thomas G. Waites, John Doolittle, Curtis Armstrong

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (1975) 100 min. Grade: A-
Directed by Jim Sharman; Featuring: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O'Brien, Jonathan Adams, Meat Loaf, Little Nell

"The Unborn" (1991) 89 min. Grade: C+
Written and Directed by Rodman Flender; Featuring: Brooke Adams, Jeff Hayenga, James Karen, K Callan, Jane Cameron, Kathy Cameron, Kathy Griffin

Lonely Video Reviews- "Robot Jox" and "The Oval Portrait"

So, we decided that Zero Peaks needed a video or movie review. I opted for video, since I had no way to get to the mall. Me and my fiancee trekked over to the local video rental place for a night of alternative film viewing.

First problem: what is alternative? Do I have to check out "Blue Velvet" for the umpteenth time? Should I get that strange little film from Sri Lanka containing two characters who stab at Caesar's salads and contemplate life for two and a half hours? Maybe I should check out "Ernest Saves Christmas" and be done with it...well, anyway, it was Friday night and there wasn't a thing left to watch. My fiancee and I blindly went up and down each aisle, picking up something, and then putting it back. Finally, we decided we'll grab what we could get.

The two videos we picked were the ones nobody wanted- the lonely videos that you grab out of desperation hoping they'll provide a little entertainment, and maybe a few unintentional laughs. Anything, as long as the story even remotely resembles the picture on the video box cover.

Our picks for the night were "Robot Jox" and "The Oval Portrait." The first film was directed by Stuart Gordon, who directed "The Re-Animator," "From Beyond," and "Dolls." The story took place fifty years after a nuclear holocaust, as most science fiction films do. The two warring sides use huge robots, about ten stories tall, to decide feuds over territory. The robots meet in a giant arena in Death Valley, and whoever's robot is left standing gets the match. Right away, I expected silly special effects along the lines of the "Godzilla" series of films. Guys dressed in robot suits falling on snap together models of recent cars. Boy, was I wrong.

The story concerns a robot jock, who operates the robot, and his last fight with an evil robot jock. Their first match is a draw, so they meet again to fight to the death, but they don't...I can't explain, but the film wasn't that bad. The effects were well done for such a cheap picture, and fans of NBC's "In the Heat of the Night" get to see Anne-Marie Johnson's bare butt. My fiancee didn't think a whole lot of the film because the big robots "squished people".

We weren't so lucky with our second film, "The Oval Portrait." It was made in 1973, with a Spanish film crew and an English speaking cast. Based on a page and a half Edgar Allan Poe story, this mess was obviously put on video to make a quick buck. The flashback scene in the film takes forty five minutes, and the director's idea of scary filming is to constantly zoom the camera in and out of the scene. Now I think I know what a grand mal seizure feels like. The cover of the video makes this one look great, but we giggled through the entire last third of the movie.

That's it for this edition. Look for more lonely video reviews in future issues, or you can do what we did: rented "Ghost" the next night and had a good cry.

"Robot Jox" (1989) 84 min. Grade C+
Directed by Stuart Gordon; Story by Stuart Gordon, Screenplay by Joe Haldeman; Featuring: Gary Graham, Anne-Marie Johnson, Paul Koslo, Robert Sampson, Danny Kamekona, Hilary Mason, Michael Alldredge

"The Oval Portrait" (1973) 86 min. Grade: D-
Directed by Rogelio Gonzalez, Jr.; Written by Enrique Torres based on a short story by Edgar Allan Poe; Featuring: Wanda Hendrix, Barry Coe, Gisele Mackenzie, Maray Ayres, Barney O'Sullivan, Doris Buckinham, Pia Shandel

Saturday, August 24, 2013

My Raccoon Has Hepatitis: "Local Legends" (2013)

The co-creator of such films as "Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!", and writer of over 13,000 songs, decides to turn the cameras on himself, with very pleasing results.

Matt Farley writes and directs this quasi-documentary about being a recording artist and film maker in small town Manchester, New Hampshire. He randomly leaves his products around town, where he walks constantly, works a job, lives cheaply, and is able to put out music, films, and books when he isn't doing is so-bad-it's-hilarious stand-up comedy routine. A couple of women show an interest in him, he plays fantasy one-on-one basketball games with his friend Soup, and he deals with an alter ego, also played by Farley, who decides this very film should be used to sell more of his odd music (which he keeps mentioning is available on iTunes, under dozens of different band names).

Obviously a labor of love, this film is much different from the films Farley appears in that are directed by Charles Roxburgh. Farley answers critics like me who don't get his earlier films, and in doing so, makes a better film than his Roxburgh collaborations. This isn't a contest with Roxburgh to see who can make a more appealing movie, this is simply Farley on his own, and the film is nicely directed in black and white, recalling "Stardust Memories" and "8 1/2". There are a ton of familiar faces from Farley's past films here, too, but you won't need to be familiar with them in order to understand what he is getting at. The highlight of the film is a comedy showcase in a basement that did have me laughing. I am hoping this is the beginning of a series of films from Farley dealing with his life outside of his Shock Marathons and monster movie work. He has shown he can branch out into introspective comedy, and he comes up with his best work- a charming effort that I was immediately taken with.

"Local Legends" is good stuff. You can find more information on it at (including a link to YouTube, where you can view the entire film for free), or you can call Farley directly at (603) 644-0048. Don't worry, he gives his phone number out in all his music and movies, and according to this film, he would love to hear from you. You might even score a free CD or DVD! (* * * *) out of five stars.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Skull Man and His Skull World: "Skull World" (2013)

Justin McConnell finally fills that "eccentric Canadian who wears a skull mask and hits people with cardboard weapons" documentary niche.

Greg Sommer lives in his mother's basement, works at a cemetery, and does freelance video work on the side. He is obsessed with heavy metal music, and his "room" is a giant space filled with big boy toys. He hears about a new competition from Australia that gets him and his friends very excited. Three Aussies have created Box Wars, where competitors dress in armor made of cardboard, and wielding cardboard weapons, beat their fellow soldiers until their armor falls off, and then that competitor is "out". Sommer has created an alter ego, Skull Man, and with his quirky sense of humor and his video work, embraces Box Wars, instigating competitions in his native Canada. What starts out as a few of his friends getting together turns bigger and bigger, and Sommer begins feeling the pressure of running the entire operation himself.

McConnell's film runs one hundred minutes, and in the first half hour, I was wondering why this wasn't a short documentary. A little Sommer goes a long way. McConnell gets into a competition himself, the Box Wars take off, and I couldn't figure out what more could be gleaned from the film. But then Sommer begins relieving stress by doing odd things like taking hallucinogenics, and going UFO hunting. He tries to come off as a wild and crazy guy (a little too much footage involve his friends telling us how wonderful he is), but he is dumping thousands of dollars into these Box Wars with little to no return on his investment. The best segment of the film has Sommer travelling to the home of Box Wars, Australia, and meeting the game's three creators and finding out how they do things Down Under.

McConnell does a great job exposing Sommer's faults as well as his positives. He is close to his subject, but allows some warts to show through. The editing and camerawork is great. Sommer was involved in the film's production, but this doesn't turn into a feature length infomercial for Box Wars. Sommer's weirdness does threaten to sabotage a few efforts to sell Box Wars.

Aside from a few too many glowing testimonials and a film that runs ten minutes too long, "Skull World" is an entertaining documentary that lets the viewer peek into this odd corner of Canada. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Gen X Angst: "Saberfrog" (2010)

What starts out as a slacker road comedy turns into a hardcore science fiction allegory that doesn't quite work out.

Josh (J.D. Edmond) finally leaves his dot-com job, and finds out that his favorite sci-fi author has died. He was obsessed with the "Vanguard Epsilon" series, and now Josh is adrift. He decides to track down his friend Terrance (Reuben Tapp), a stereotypical angry black man now comfortably living with his wife. The pair also take up Terrance's ex Laurel (Liz Mariani), who sings in an awful band, and Canadian underground porn obsessed Bert (John Karyus). The group decide to head to their old campus, looking for closure in their lives, only to discover the liberal arts university has changed as well- you know, suicide cults, mind control, and disembodied voices...the usual.

Markham wrote and directed this film, and it is certainly ambitious. The odd science fiction angle in the final act is hard to comprehend, until the viewer realizes Markham is appealing to the geek culture that goes through life in a state of escapism. Kudos to the screenplay for rounding out these characters very well. You may know some people like this, and some individual scenes stand out. Terrance's one man show and the fate of Josh's computer company are highlights. There are a few obviously improvised scenes that had me wincing, however. Markham's direction is mostly hand-held camerawork, luckily the cast seems game. The music and audio are all clean and done well.

I was curious to see where the film would go, but I didn't expect the ending. You get an animated sequence, some special effects, but I never got a solid sense of what the series of books meant to Josh (the film's title is explained here). The climax is sometimes too preachy, and some of the performances suffer.

While I didn't expect the final third, the first hour of the film was solid enough to slightly recommend "Saberfrog." (* * *) out of five stars.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of: "Coyote" (2013)

While stories dealing with the warped minds of the psychotically insane are a dime a dozen, Trevor Juenger presents this amazing character study, anchored by the excellent Bill Oberst, Jr.

Juenger jumps right in as Bill (Bill Oberst, Jr.) sits in his new house, paid for by his mother. He works a mundane job with racist Joe (Bill Finkbiner), and the viewer is clued in right away that things are not alright in Bill's head. He suffers from insomnia ("sleep is the enemy"), to the point that his already warped mind kicks out some pretty terrifying hallucinations. After a disastrous fishing trip with Joe, Bill gets another job at a home shopping television network, and hooks up with Jesse (Victoria Mullen). Jesse is a bit of a mess herself, and the relationship furthers Bill's psychosis.

I can't go into too much detail about what happens to Bill, but you might figure out how bad it gets if you've seen this kind of film before. Yes, this story has been told before, but rarely this well. I liked Juenger's previous "Johnny Be Gone", and here he cranks up the tension to disturbing proportions. I would favorably compare this to David Lynch or early Cronenberg. I watch tons of experimental and avant-garde films, and Juenger is a master of the genre. I am not easily shocked or grossed out, but this film had me on edge.

Oberst might look familiar, he has dozens of credits on IMDB. His performance is excellent. His role demands a strong actor, and he delivers. Mullen is believably pitiful and sad as Jesse, grasping at any companionship her character can find, ignoring all the warning signs about Bill.

Technically, everything clicks. The camerawork is imaginative, the special effects aren't obvious, and the music is very ominous. Juenger's direction is astounding. He uses every trick (and lens) he can find, but none of it feels forced or manipulative. The planning that goes into each shot and sequence must have been immense.

"Coyote" is not a popcorn munching good time at the movies. It is dark, dank, and unsettling perfection. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

This Film's Offbeat Charm Might Get to You: "Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!" (2013)

The good citizens of River Town, USA are being terrorized by a giant river beast, and we must rely on a chocolate milk drinking disgraced tutor to save us all.

Neil Stuart (Matt Farley) returns to his hometown after being left at the altar by his fiancee Emmaline (Elizabeth Peterson) three years before. He is a believer in a giant creature that lives down by the river, but the rest of the town doesn't believe him. He is hassled and assaulted constantly, eventually staying in his godmother's (Joanie Greenan) basement with his former best friend Teddy (Tom Scalzo). Neil gets a gig tutoring Ally (Sharon Scalzo), the daughter of a former professional athlete (Kevin McGee). As various subplots begin to develop (Neil is hounded by a reporter, Teddy finds love), the river beast makes himself known to the local citizens and begins attacking members of the large cast.

This is the third film I have seen from Matt Farley and Charles Roxburgh, after "Freaky Farley" and "Monsters, Marriage, and Murder in Manchvegas," and this is the better of the three. These three films still remind me of John Waters' early films. The cast's delivery of their lines is stilted, the dialogue sounds like it was lifted from sixty year old films, and the monster is obviously a guy in a rubber suit, but this time Roxburgh and Farley have opened up the proceedings and I didn't feel like I was watching a private joke I wasn't in on. From the earnestness of Farley's leading man persona to the terminally cute Sharon Scalzo, this outing is nothing more than goofy fun, and part of that fun is in watching what weirdness the film makers have up their sleeves next. I usually wasn't disappointed, with cat litter and a harmonica playing big game hunter entering the fray.

Of course, this isn't a John Waters film, and I still wish I could get some edge. The film runs a few minutes too long, and the violence and gore is purely PG level. The odd universe this story exists in is fun, but this may not appeal to the average moviegoer. On the other hand, weird and underground cinema fans will probably eat this up. The technical aspects of this film are strong, the cinematography is crisp, the editing and directing are confident, and the sound is excellent.

"Don't Let the Riverbeast Get You!" is cornball stuff, but it's fun cornball stuff. I liked it enough to slightly recommend it, and it's good to see Roxburgh do such a good job behind the camera with each film he directs. (* * *) out of five stars.

Monday, June 24, 2013

False Confessions: "Confessions" (1977)

1977 was a productive year for porn auteur Anthony Spinelli. Not only did he direct the silly identity switch film "Expectations", he also helmed the hilariously titled "Oriental Babysitter," and this standard flick.

Spinelli doesn't need any identity switching here, telling the story of Beth (Kristine Heller), a bored housewife who can't get sex from her moron husband Gary (John Leslie), and goes out looking for it. She picks up a biker (Peter Johns) in the film's only "action sequence", then seduces her husband's boss (Joey Silvera) in a kinda funny party scene. She answers an ad in the paper and humiliates Howard (Jack Wright), much to his wife's (Dory Devon) amusement, before letting herself be with the wife as well. Eventually, Beth turns to prostitution (all because goofy Gary won't satisfy her in bed?).

Spinelli's direction is different from most porn only because he actually directs. The late 1970s decor seems more outlandish here, adding to the by the numbers screenplay, which is just a series of sexual encounters set against a very weak plot frame.

The lead actress, Kristine Heller, a girl next door type, is so refreshingly different from other tarted up starlets who all eventually look alike. She committed suicide in 1989. if you believe internet rumors, and that is sad. It is unsettling to watch someone who has fallen victim to abuse, illness, or an early death perform such an intimate act as sex onscreen. The rest of the cast literally go through the motions, but I cannot get Heller out of my head. This is unerotic stuff.

"Confessions," also known as "Confessions of a Woman," is standard, despite Vinegar Syndrome's DVD release. It is slightly worse than "Expectations," and no different than any other adult film. I don't confess to liking this film very much. (*) out of five stars.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Lower Your Expectations, You'll Thank Me: "Expectations" (1977)

This pornographic film may be more famous today because of its film-like quality, not the actual sex itself.

I am using the participants' real names, as found on, since the credits are full of pseudonyms. Margo (Delania Raffino) is bored with her man, and wants a change. She puts an ad in an "underground newspaper" (the film takes place in San Francisco), and meets up with Montana (Chris Cassidy). Margo plans to switch identities with Montana, and live the life of a "loose woman". Montana apparently has connections, makes all the arrangements, and Margo goes to Montana's apartment to live. Instantly, Joey (Joey Silvera) stops over for a little smack and tickle. Meanwhile, Montana settles into Margo's pad, and Margo's brother Vincent (Jack Wright) stops by. Because of an unexplained eye patch and a penchant for incestuous fantasy, Vincent is already the most interesting character in this group...and the two women explore their new lives sexually.

If this had not been a porn film, it would not have been made. The identity switch is completely idiotic. Margo is a mousy brunette, and Montana is an oddly built platinum blonde. The idea is ridiculous to start with, and the only reason the audience follows along is to see some sex.

The film's cinematography and widescreen are notable only because they exist. There is nothing special about either, and my mind wandered during many scenes (count how many lamps Montana turns off, it's a fun game). The acting is porn-standard, and the music is laughable, pieces ending and others beginning in the middle of scenes. The film is narrated by Margo and Montana, badly, and I can't remember when even that was dropped before a final coda at the end of the film.

The director, Anthony Spinelli, was the brother of mainstream actor Jack Weston. I can only imagine some of their conversations around the dinner table at Thanksgiving- "I just appeared in 'The Four Seasons' with Alan Alda", "Wow, I just directed 'Between the Sheets' with Seka". Some of Spinelli's shots are interesting, and the sex scenes don't follow the tried and true formula, teasing the audience. Although, a lesbian scene between Margo and African-American actress Desiree West never goes beyond softcore, making the viewer ask why it was cut.

All in all, "Expectations" is just what you might expect from a pornographic film as the cusp of the video age. They don't make them like this anymore, and that might be a good thing. (*) out of five stars.

Friday, May 10, 2013

On "Meridian" (1990)

The horror film is set in Italy
So the Italian sonnet is used
Two lovely girls are raped and abused
A creature rears its head literally
From the castle Sherilynn should now flee
For her breasts and purity have been loosed
Friend Charlie also drugged, rubbed, and then goosed
Forgive the poet, rape is not funny
We have two beauties, one beast
Art restoration, a ghostly nanny
A full and busy flick to say the least
Despite boobs, the badness is uncanny
A dumb film, to the mind a junk food feast
Charles Band can blow it out his fanny

On "The Cremator" (1969)

The Nazis decided the Jews would burn
A Czech man, mad and calm, would fit the bill
Party members' respect he would now earn
When he started with familial swill

Grotesque angles and characters abound
Centered on the repulsive man named Karl
A moral man easily led around
As background townspeople bicker and snarl

Haunted by the dead whom he turned to ash
Having his blood drawn to check for disease
He's too insane to think his actions rash
He's a savior, kill with conscience ease

Caskets and ovens and those graveyard walks
Disappointed with family he thinks
Visits to prostitutes mostly to talk
He combs the corpses' hair, their cheeks are pink

"The Cremator" builds on repetition
What a sigh you hear when the film is done

On "Grand Hotel" (1932)

The Berlin Grand Hotel imitates Life
People come, people go, says Lewis Stone
Nothing ever happens (no kids, no wife)
We check into our rooms, play with the phone

We pretend to be people we are not
Putting on masks before speaking loud
Noticing others, their things sold and bought
Lemmings walking in the same plain old crowd

I couldn't be the Baron, I'm Preysing
Kringelein's pathetic, I am him, too
Anonymous bellboy, not surprising
I know someone can feel my words- it's you

"Grand Hotel" is ancient, it creaks and moans
It's one Oscar sits, and we're all alone

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It's a White Man's New World: "Captain John Smith and Pocahontas" (1953)

This film is a very swift seventy-five minutes, but the film makers cram in enough misogyny and racism to make it feel like twice its running time.

Captain John Smith (an awkward Anthony Dexter) is recounting his adventures to the king, and the film serves as a flashback to his time in the new Virginia colony of Jamestown. The screenwriters paint Smith as a lovable rogue, a brilliant military mind who gets into all sorts of shenanigans and hijinks. He finds himself in charge of the settlement and butts heads with butthead villain Wingfield (an awkward James Seay). After slaying a bunch of Indians in a confused battle, Smith decides to go make piece with Powhatan (an awkward Douglas Dumbrille), the Chief of the local tribe. Smith happens upon Pocahontas (an awkward Jody Lawrence) when he is stumbling around the forest, and the two take a shine to each other.

Smith, Charlie (an awkward Alan Hale, Jr.), and John Rolfe (an awkward Robert Clarke) are captured and threatened with execution by ruffian Opechanco (an awkward Stuart Randall). Pocahontas throws herself on Smith, saving his life, and the settlers and Indians fall into an uneasy friendship. Pocahontas must marry Smith, and Wingfield connives for his own personal gain.

I suppose this may have started life as an action epic, but this film is a B movie to be sure. The locations, the costuming, and the special effects are all second rate. Many of the lines are unintentionally hysterical ("I a roving adventurer, she an Indian princess"), I haven't laughed this hard at a 1950's historical epic since John Wayne in "The Conqueror." I am not kidding, the words "Captain John Smith" are uttered no less than a dozen times in the opening ten minutes of the film.

While the English of 1607 had some pretty quaint ideas about the role of the female in the settlement, and back in London, these scenes pale compared to the blatant racism against Native Americans. I haven't been this stunned by how they are portrayed onscreen since "Annie Get Your Gun." White actors obviously slathered with brown makeup and black wigs, lots of tomahawks and threats to scalp, dancing around big fires and banging drums, the sheer stupidity of the "naturals" scenes is overwhelming.

Lew Landers directs on a small scale, with only one memorable shot- a fight set against some orange flames near the end of the film. The cast flounders, trying to deliver their unnatural lines naturally. The Native Americans talk like all movie Indians talked back then- unconvincing poetry, third person self-references, and even a "forked tongue" line. The real issue of the Native Americans dying from diseases brought by European settlers is lost in the ineptitude.

I am pretty sure the Disney cartoon from a few years back got more right historically than this film, and "The New World" probably serves as the definitive version of the Smith/Pocahontas story (which seems to be a combination of bravado and myth on Smith's part). "Captain John Smith and Pocahontas" is as awkward as its title, a silly effort that isn't worth your time. (*) out of five stars.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Boston Commoners: "Whatever Makes You Happy" (2011)

In an age where Hollywood romantic comedies are a dime a dozen, this independent drama about normal characters in a new loving relationship is a refreshing change of pace.

Anna (Rachel Delante) is a graduate student living with her boyfriend Kevin (Jon Miquel) in Boston. Their relationship is mundane, neither happy nor sad. Anna's brother Steve (Jason Fenton) is in a relationship with her best friend Donna (Kerri Patterson). The bickering couple are not very inspirational to anyone they come in contact with. Anna meets musician Alex (Tyler Peck), and the sparks fly. Anna hesitates before finally pursuing a clandestine affair with Alex, and both of their lives begin to be affected, as well as their relationships with friends and family.

A.T. Sayre has gone the micro-budget route to get his story told, and the viewer is better for it. Floors creak, there are no "sets". apartments are small and cramped, and the cast is not decked out in designer clothes or driving sparkling automobiles. This lends gravitas and realism to Sayre's plot, and held my interest. The first forty minutes of the film are a mess, full of peripheral characters and some life minutiae that bored me silly. But once Alex and Anna meet, and begin their relationship, Sayre gets down to business and I was engaged.

Delante and Peck are very natural, and make Anna and Alex seem natural together. I liked their scenes together. The rest of the supporting cast is really good, from Anna's circle of friends (Miguel has a fantastic scene confronting Anna and Alex) to Alex's increasingly pissed-off bandmates.

The title of the film hints at a selfishness Anna and Alex are falling victim to, but I never disliked them or their affair. Sayre brilliantly shows new technology in the progression of their relationship, and this hits very close to home since I have literally sent tens of thousands of messages on Facebook, some even word for word missives like Alex's pursuit of Anna!

"Whatever Makes You Happy" has a few hiccups here and there, but it is a solid B effort. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Heaven Should Wait: "Heaven's Gate" (1980)

Over thirty years after its release, "Heaven's Gate" has become synonymous with the term "big budget disaster." Up until recently, when an expensive film bombed, this film was used as the watermark example of Hollywood spending gone mad ("Waterworld," "Cutthroat Island"). Watching it now, with the hoopla and criticism in the past, I can honestly say that while it was a financial disaster, its flaws were not just monetary.

Writer/director Michael Cimino, riding high on the success of the awesome "The Deer Hunter," decided to dramatize the 1870 Johnson County War, where mostly immigrant homesteaders settling in Wyoming were subject to harassment and eventually state-sponsored murder at the hands of the rich conglomerate cattle stockmen's association. It was farmers vs. cattlemen, poor vs. rich, immigrants vs. citizens, them vs. us. Caught in the middle of the conflict is a love triangle- sheriff James Averill (the always good Kris Kristofferson) and mercenary Nathan Champion (Christopher Walken) are both in love with cathouse madam Ella (Isabelle Huppert).

I watched the original 220 minute premiere version, which was later edited by almost an hour and released as the studio tried to recoup their losses. For such a long film, the plot is simple and straightforward, but populated by a giant cast of unnecessary characters. Averill's college best friend, Billy (John Hurt), is introduced in the now infamous opening scenes set at Harvard (filmed at Oxford), and is then relegated to the background, as if the film makers didn't have the heart to tell Hurt he was no longer needed. The same can be said for some of the talented names (is that Brad Dourif?) in small roles. The cast is stunning, though. In addition to Kristofferson, Walken, Huppert (who spends more screen time naked than clothed), Hurt, and Dourif, you can see Jeff Bridges in what must have been a cameo awkwardly expanded to a supporting part, Joseph Cotten, Sam Waterston, Terry O'Quinn, Tom Noonan, Mickey Rourke, Geoffrey Lewis, Richard Masur, T-Bone Burnett, and Willem Dafoe.

The set decoration/art direction (the film's only Oscar nomination, losing to "Raiders of the Lost Ark") is spectacular. Vilmos Zsigmond's cinematography is pure visual art. Many scenes look painted and beautiful, smoky and orange/brown. There is a lot of money on the screen.

Cimino's script needed to be taken in. The story has no focus. Averill is our obvious hero, but his motivations are as cloudy as Zsigmond's train shots. Waterston's Canton is an over-the-top evil villain, complete with a weaselly mustache. The cast of immigrants blend into one giant Yakov Smirnoff look-alike contest. The battle scenes, while appropriately chaotic, are difficult to discern. At one point, I was certain Bridges' character had been shot and killed, only to have him show up alive and well.

The direction is sometimes impressive, the first onscreen murder is an explosion of style and violence. However, for every scene like that, we get pablum like the bizarre and weak running joke about Averill's boots. Many scenes go on forever, like the Harvard scene and the skating rink speeches. The overuse of "The Blue Danube Waltz" only reminded me of "2001: A Space Odyssey." The class warfare exhibited here is appropriate in today's political climate, but the irony of this film almost bankrupting a studio and becoming the epitome of financial excess while championing "the little guy" is classic.

Careers were ruined, Cimino never seemed to recover; I found his later "The Sicilian" and "Desperate Hours" unwatchable, worse than "Heaven's Gate." Time supposedly heals all wounds, so you can view this film today for what it is- a bloated, pretty mess. (* *) out of five stars.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

"Come Swiftly to Your Love: Love Poems of Ancient Egypt" Translated by Ezra Pound and Noel Stock

This very thin book of poetry shows us that even 3,000 years ago, men and women were going through the exact same issues when it came to love.

Ezra Pound gets the opening verses, a piece called "Conversations in Courtship." I don't know how much liberty was taken with the placement of this conversation, but it is comical that after a few obsessive statements about a man's love for a woman, the woman barely gets to respond before we have to hear from her disapproving mother- "the mere thought of him is revolting". The couple watch each other from far off, afraid to expose their infatuation to the public. This is a nice set of lyrics that captures perfectly the internal turmoil love can bring. Some of the situations are odd- the girl being possibly passed around by the boy's friends, and the praying to multiple gods and goddesses, but Pound's voice comes through.

"Love Lyrics" opens with a little more sensuality, also showing the extremes a man and a woman would go through to be with their soulmate. "More Love Lyrics" is more of the same, comparing being in love to being drunk without wine. "Pleasant Songs of the Sweetheart Who Meets You in the Fields" is a sad story of a young woman so in love, her field work suffers. She finally becomes the mistress of her man's house, first among his women, before he meets someone else. "Pleasant Songs" offers some nice fragments, while "Garden Songs" follows the courtship from the point of view of an actual garden, it seems. The problem is in the conjugation of some of the verbs, common with most of these poems. The ironically titled "Sweet Phrases" shows the downside of love. Drunkenness, infidelity, and seduction are touched upon in this angry set. "Haste" is simply two lovers trying to meet as soon as possible.

Only the opening conversation is credited to Pound, so I must assume the other verses were done by Stock. The accompanying artwork, by Tom di Grazia, is very good, and the introduction explains that while many of the poems are only found in fragments, they are presented here as complete.

"Come Swiftly to Your Love: Love Poems of Ancient Egypt" is a nice, short set that can easily be read in a few minutes. It shows the reader that anything they may be going through with their respective partner are issues that have been around for millennia. Ezra Pound and Noel Stock capture that very nicely. Recommended to poetry lovers, and lovers in general. (* * * *) out of five stars.

This Tale is Pun-ishing: "My Tale is Hot" (1964)

This "nudie cutie" from the mid '60's is a painful film.

Lucifer (Max Gardens, billed as Manny Goodtimes) is bored in Hell and decides to try and entice the world's most faithful husband with a series of beautiful topless women. Little Jack Little, looking like a cross between Buddy Hackett and Eddie Munster, is the husband, Ben-Hur Ova (get it? GET IT?). What follows over the next long sixty minutes is a series of awful, sleazy puns and jokes that makes "Two and a Half Men" look like Noel Coward, and tons of badly edited striptease routines.

The film may have been shot in a day, with the sometimes haggard-looking women added later. Candy Barr shows up only in a piece of one-reel, having nothing to do with the credited cast. And, oh, those credits. The performers and some of the crew are given stupid pun-laden names (the director is Seymour Tokus...ha...). The film tries to be topical, mentioning "The Beverly Hillbillies," Walt Disney, and Playboy magazine, but some of the jokes are so old, and so bad, I honestly didn't "get" them. Gardens' clever asides to the camera also suck.

But we are here for the women! This was shot before genitalia could be shown onscreen, so we get topless women awkwardly showing off their backsides to the camera. The ladies must have been driven in from the afternoon show at the local burlesque club, none make an impression. Poor audiences back in the day had to endure a lot of stupid jokes and humor just to see a little skin, my heart goes out to them.

"My Tale is Hot" is pretty horrible, The same director would score better with "The Joys of Jezebel" a few years later. Both films are available together (a bored Lucifer being the connection) on video from Something Weird. (*) out of five stars.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Holy Bible According to David F. Friedman: "The Joys of Jezebel" (1970)

The drive-in/grindhouse crowds of 1970 certainly got an eyeful in this silly story from the demented David F. Friedman.

The film takes a few liberties with some Biblical characters. Sisters Ruth (Lois Ursone, using the name Angela Graves) and Rachel (the incredibly gorgeous Dixie Donovan) are lamenting on their fates. Ruth is married to Joshua (John Rocco), and virgin Rachel has been promised to Jeremiah (Jay Edwards). Rachel does not love Jeremiah, but an arrangement has been made between the two men concerning armies and such. Both women don't want to end up like Jezebel (Luanne Roberts, using the name Christine Murray), who was "thrown to the dogs" for making trouble just last week. Jezebel is languishing in Hell, bored out of her skull. Lucifer (Christopher Stone) makes her an offer. She can return to Earth, use Rachel's body, and exact her revenge on whoever wronged her. In the meantime, Rachel takes Jezebel's body in Hell, and as Lucifer searches for her, he runs into other residents of the underworld, including Goliath (Jess White), Solomon (Woody Lee), and a very hot Eve (Sherise Roland).

Doing some reading afterward, there is some question as to who really wrote and directed this film. The late David F. Friedman co-produced it, probably helped write it, but the director is credited as the improbable A.P. Stootsberry, so I am going with the information on IMDB.

The Something Weird DVD version of the film looks fantastic for such a silly effort. This is not heavy stuff, the plot is secondary to seeing lots of beautiful women with unexplained tan lines get naked, and often, The sets are a dizzying array of plywood, feathers, psychedelica, and a spinning table. The performers deliver their dumb dialogue knowing they aren't appearing in "The Greatest Story Ever Told." For fun, try and count the number of puns involving the word "hell".

Whoever the director is, they make some interesting choices here and there. The comedy is awful, but we get nice surreal camera angles, including a memorable point of view shot that had me sit up and take notice. Trapped on a handful of sets means you need to work that camera, so if you can get over the stomach churning zooms and movements, it's actually not badly shot.

The cast, all veterans of Friedman's drive-in drivel, go through the paces. A special mention about Dixie Donovan. She plays her role as a Jayne Mansfield-dumb blonde, and I am curious as to whether this was an act or not. She is so stilted in her performance, and all of her lines are delivered in monotone, but I could watch her all day long...a real stunner of a woman.

The rest of the film is lightweight and stupid. The screenplay is painful to follow, with softcore sex scenes going on too long but luckily distracting the viewer from the story. The entire film is shot on interior locations, with the amount of nudity involved, an outdoor shoot might have been shut down immediately.

I don't know why, aside from Donovan, I would recommend "The Joys of Jezebel," but I am. I like my exploitation colorful, full of beautiful women making out and dry humping middle-aged men...wait a minute...I could star in a remake! Someone get Charlize Theron on the phone, her second Oscar awaits! (* * *) out of five stars.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

I Wanted to Go Down for a Nap: "Go Down, Death!" (1944)

Made specifically for segregated African-Americans in the 1940's, this heavy-handed Christian story is admirable for entertaining a repressed segment of the population, but to be blunt- it's pretty awful.

For a fifty-four minute film, this is padded all to hell (so to speak). Young preacher Jasper (Samuel H. James) is ready to take on the owner of the local nightclub, Big Jim Bottoms (director Spencer Williams). Big Jim comes up with a plan to frame the preacher with some photographs showing him cavorting with three women and DRINKING! The convoluted plan works, and Jim shows off his pics to his adoptive mother Caroline, who also happens to be the aunt to Bettie Jean, Jasper's girlfriend. Caroline does some mighty fine praying, as the ghost of her dead husband helps her retrieve the photographs. The Lord does work in mysterious ways, as a major character dies, and Big Jim gets his Big Comeuppance.

From a technical point of view, this film is terrible. A "Harlemwood" production set in Savannah, Georgia, it looks like it was edited in a blender. The dialogue rarely syncs up, stock footage is used constantly, and except for Williams and the beautiful actress who plays Bettie Jean, the cast is at a loss. Caroline and Bettie Jean's roles are not credited in the film, there is just a list of the performers at the beginning and end of the footage. The screenplay was based on a story that was based on a poem, and something must have been lost in the adaptation. There is barely enough here to assemble a half hour short to be shown in church basements, much less almost an hour.

Sure, you can show sympathy for the film makers, and the audience, and point out its importance in African-American film history, or you can sit down and try to watch the thing. I watched the thing. "Go Down, Death!" doesn't go down easily. (*) out of five stars.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Oh, Hell, the Box is Back: "Hellraiser: Revelations" (2011)

When your option on continuing a once mildly successful horror film franchise is running out, do you let the series die a quiet death, since you haven't contributed anything to it in five years, or do you come up with a quickie entry that might make a buck or two on the video and streaming market? If you are Dimension, you crank out the garbage that is this film.

Nico (Jay Gillepsie, who looks a lot like a young Val Kilmer) and Steven (Nick Eversman, who does not look like Val Kilmer) are two buddies who escape their privileged lives to Tijuana with a video camera along to record their adventures. The film begins jumping back and forth in time as we find out the boys end up missing and presumed dead, but their luggage made it back along with the video camera (which wasn't kept by any authorities as evidence, despite footage of a possible murder) and a strange puzzle box. Nico's parents (Sebastien Roberts and Sanny Van Heteren) come over to dine with Steven's parents (Steven Brand and Devon Sorvari), and Steven's sister, and Nico's girlfriend, Emma (Tracey Fairaway). Got all that? In my notes, I had to construct a crude pedigree chart to keep the characters straight, especially since the parents all acted the same.

Dinner is tense since the parents ignore what happened to their sons until finally the ice is broken on the exact same night that Steven comes back home, bloodied and in a state of shock. The group is trapped in the isolated mansion, their cars mysteriously disappear and there is no phone service, and the viewer is treated to double doses of mayhem and murder as the story switches back and forth between what happened to Nico and Steven in Mexico, and what happens to their families now.

In this era of reboots and reimaginings, I wish someone would get Clive Barker on the phone, pony up some dough, and let him have his creation back. It has been over a quarter of a century since the original "Hellraiser", and despite a couple of better than average direct to video sequels, the overall series turned into a convoluted mess where some screenplays were injected with Pinhead and his Cenobites just to put them into a film and make it part of the "Hellraiser" canon. Even Doug Bradley, who portrayed Pinhead in the preceding eight films, didn't see fit to return here...which isn't saying much, I guess, considering he did appear in the worst of the series before this film, as well as the best.

The film is dark and ugly. The screenwriter goes overboard (this is from the Dimension EXTREME label), and we get lots of gore, shootings, incest, murdered prostitutes, a baby killed offscreen, tequila shots, and bad story structure. The film runs only 75 minutes, with five minutes of that being opening and closing credits, yet the DVD's bonus is almost ten minutes of deleted scenes, which I couldn't bring myself to watch.

Victor Garcia's direction is alright, after a stomach churning opening involving the two friends filming themselves on the trip. I didn't get sick from any gore, just the jolting camera movements that had me wishing I bought Dramamine the last time I was outside. The majority of the action takes place around Steven's parents' house, with a dirty disgusting set standing in for Tijuana, which seems to be oddly populated by Asian hookers.

The performances here are all pretty bad, but I am blaming the script. What used to sound so scary coming out of the mouth of Douglas Bradley sounds ridiculous coming out of Stephan Smith Collins'. There is a voice credit for Pinhead, and it sounds like Bradley a little, but Collins is stuck in this iconic role with nothing to do. The story pops in a vagrant character (Daniel Buran) who happens to have the puzzle box that unleashes the demons, drops the vagrant character, then brings him back...and literally drops him again. No explanation of Pinhead and the Cenobites is ever offered, and while having some mystery in a film is nice, even hardcore viewers like me have forgotten their origins. Simple questions like how long were the boys missing, and who actually controls the puzzle box and the summoning of the demons are left unanswered.

This makes nine films in the franchise now, and I have reviewed them all (aside from some short fan films out there). "Hellraiser: Revelations," the Roman numeral sequel numbering was dropped way back at Part III, is probably the worst of the series...NOW can we let this character rest in peace until our big budget reboot? Has anyone called Rob Zombie yet? (*) out of five stars.

Monday, March 11, 2013

And We're Walking, and We're Walking...and We're Still Walking?: "The Broken Tower" (2012)

In all honesty, I thought of writing a biopic based on poet Hart Crane's tumultuous life first.

Crane was born to a well-to-do businessman and his wife in 1899, and his parents would later divorce. He grew up in the Roaring Twenties, and would supplement his small writing income by doing copywriting in the burgeoning advertising field (a job he hated). He was gay, or at least bisexual, drank too much, and jumped from a ship and drowned in the Gulf of Mexico when he was only 32. I started collecting books by and about Crane, including the source material for this film, and even wrote his suicide into screenplay format, but then abandoned it to work on an original story that had been bothering me for years now.

I didn't know James Franco even made this film until I recognized the title from the book I never read (and later gave away). Franco seems obsessed with poets, between this film, "Howl," and a planned biopic of Charles Bukowski, and he also seems obsessed with poets I am obsessed with. I had high hopes sitting down to this, and after viewing the documentary "Hart Crane: An Exegesis," I was ready to let Franco show me Hart Crane as he saw him.

Franco wrote, directs, and stars in the film, apparently a film to fulfill a university thesis. Crane's poetry can be complex and difficult, I don't pretend to understand a lot of what I have read by him, but Franco makes the mistake of writing and directing an equally difficult film. In the film's case, I "got" what Franco was trying to do, I am saying it was the wrong approach to Crane's life. Franco casts his younger brother Dave as a younger Hart (or Harold, as he was born) and their mother as Hart's mother. Michael Shannon is Emile, the love of Hart's life and subject of some of his poetry. The problem here is that Shannon's scenes number about four, as do his lines of dialogue, and the viewer doesn't discover his name until the end credits. Crane's parents also get shorted, for being such big influences in his life. Crane's relationship with Malcolm Cowley's ex-wife (Stacey Miller) is also touched upon but not explored.

So in this this one hundred and ten minute film, what do we get? Franco does do a brave thing, exhibiting an eleven minute poetry reading just before the midpoint of the film. The black and white photography, with the exception of a color sequence in a cathedral, is nice. The muted sad jazz of the time provides an excellent soundtrack to Crane's moods, even in the lighter moments when he is with friends and drunk. It is hard to make a compelling film about something like sitting at a desk and typing, but Franco does try. The film is chaptered by title cards enumerating Crane's life "voyages", and this does help follow what was going on in his life to a certain extent.

However, Franco as Crane walks. A lot. Too much. There is so much footage of Franco walking around, I began to make morbid jokes about Crane's leg strength when he took his final plunge into the big drink. This padding technique boldly went beyond experimental or difficult and into tedium. Franco plays Crane as a spoiled genius, but he throws one too many fits and I didn't like Crane as Franco saw him. Franco looks nothing like Crane, either, and a scene where Crane performs oral sex on a lover seems out of place and exploitative, it's obvious Franco wanted to do something shocking to get the film talked about.

I was relieved when it was over, and disappointed that Franco couldn't get his admiration for the writer on film without alienating the same audience that finds Crane's writing unfathomable. Next time, I hope Franco's desire to make an arty film about an artist is tempered by a desire to make that artist accessible to the viewer. Not knowing anything about Crane, and watching this film, would make me dislike Crane even more. "The Broken Tower" turns into a broken film. (* *) out of five stars.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Hart Beat: "Hart Crane: An Exegesis" (2012)

In order to educate film goers on the poet Hart Crane, and hype his biopic "The Broken Tower", writer/director/actor James Franco sits down via Skype with three university instructors and talks shop. Only English nerds need apply.

Hart Crane was a poet who came of age during the Roaring Twenties, writing dense, often difficult verse before committing suicide at the age of 32 by jumping into the Gulf of Mexico. He was an open homosexual with an alcohol problem, and is now more appreciated than when he was alive. Franco became fascinated with Crane's writing in college ("The Broken Tower" is a graduate thesis film), and while he looks nothing like Crane, he took on the poet's story.

Franco, who balances his roles in mainstream fare in order to pursue pet projects like this, picks the brains of the three professors (Alan Williamson, Paul Mariani, and Langdon Hammer) about Crane's motivations behind the major events in his life, and eventual death. Influences on Crane, like T.S. Eliot and Walt Whitman, are touched upon, and the interviews are edited together along with footage from Franco's film.

The casual viewer may still wonder what all the fuss is about with Crane. Even I, a former English major, finds his verse to be dense and often difficult. Franco and the professors try to shed light on their subject, you can see a genuine affection for the writer in all of their questions and answers, but they often bring up even more questions than they can answer. After a while, even the praise of Franco and his film gets to be a bit much, but this short (48 minutes) piece of video is a welcome departure from the usual "behind the scenes" fluff pieces that are standard on video releases these days.

"Hart Crane: An Exegesis" is probably only of interest to Franco's classmates, snobbish film types, poetry fans, and Hart Crane fanatics. I find myself in a couple of those categories, and recommend this documentary. Let it be noted that I did watch this before viewing the feature "The Broken Tower," so I can see if this helped in my understanding of Franco's film... (* * * *) out of five stars.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Another One of Those Great Films You Have Never Heard Of: "Bullet Collector" (2012)

It is hard to believe that this mixture of "Pixote" and "The 400 Blows" is Alexander Vartanov's first film.

Ruslan Nazarenko is an unnamed fourteen year old boy living a bleak existence in Russia. His life is full of fantasy, as he tells stories of his real father and that man's connection to a cult who are constantly at war in the shadows of normal existence. The boy has a girlfriend who falls for his stories, and he also has it rough at school, getting bullied and learning that he can also bully smaller children.

The first half of the film is a hallucinatory look at the boy's life in the city. It is dark and depressing; both the film and his life. He exists on the fringe, and uses what he sees and hears to fuel his hallucinatory visions of what he would do to harm others. Literally half way through the film, things take an even darker turn as the boy is sent to a juvenile prison camp after a bloody street fight. There, he makes a couple of friends, and plans an escape from the compound.

While the plot is threadbare for a two hour plus film, the screen is filled with images that will set your mind reeling. The black and white photography recalls 1960's French New Wave, as it was meant to, and Vartanov fills every corner with doom and gloom. Even hopeful scenes like the ones with the boy's girlfriend are dank and sad. The brilliance of the film is that it is never boring, and while this boy's existence is awful, Vartanov doesn't feel the need to push the viewer's face into the muck, as Larry Clark did in "Kids". He presents the story, the visuals, and steps away.

The film is amazingly edited. It had to take forever to collect the shots in this kind of order. The script must be as nightmarish to read as it is to watch, as hallucinations, dreams, fantasies, and jarring violence are witnessed through the eyes of both this anti-heroic child, and our own senses. You won't like this kid much, but seeing his existence will prompt many a discussion after watching the film about the entire nature/nurture debate- the boy's home life with his unloving mother and jerk stepfather are as bad as anything he goes through at school.

It's difficult to "like" a film like this, to sing its praises and recommend it to people. "Bullet Collector" is the most depressing film I have seen since "Pixote," features a central performance on par with that Brazilian classic, and is directed by a new master with a camera.

It is a shame this did not receive as much attention as it should. I can only recommend that you seek it out, love it or hate it, you won't soon forget it. (* * * * *) out of five stars.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Or, Maybe Right Now?: "Maybe Tomorrow" (2012)

"Maybe Tomorrow" is one of those films that comes out of nowhere, packing an emotional punch and technical finesse that is sadly lacking in other smaller budgeted independent films.

Graham (Dominik Teifenthaler) is a hot young Manhattan DA who is being courted by sleazy Senator Clemens (an outstanding Christopher Shyer) to run on a ticket for the governorship of New York. Graham's fellow law school buddy, Evan (Paul Lange), caters to his friend's every need, becoming his servant more than his equal. Both men's lives are turned upside down by the return of another law school buddy, Russ (writer/director Michael Wolfe), who ends up being arrested and arraigned. Graham has just one "incident" in his past that might cause trouble to his campaign for lieutenant governor, and he orders Evan to get Russ released, and then invites Russ up to his very large Hamptons beach house to "talk".

It seems while in college, Graham, Evan, and Russ, while on spring break, took drugs and assaulted a prostitute. Russ' life took a quick downward spiral as he was kicked out of school and served time for the incident, while Graham and Evan moved on with their own somewhat flawed lives. Russ has a drug-addled girlfriend, Kiah (Carolina Ravassa), who also shows up at the beach house, where the trio of men begin to hammer away at their pasts, look inward at their lives, and try to figure out how to keep Russ happy, and quiet.

Wolfe has written himself a very juicy role, but there is not one bad performance in the entire film. Teifenthaler's Graham is both likable and a little despicable. Paul Lange is perfectly cast as the indecisive Evan, whose loyalty to his friend jeopardizes his marriage. Wolfe does not make Russ yet another movie drug addict, but turns him into a vulnerable and sympathetic character whose pain and bitterness toward his former best friends is understandable.

The film itself has a nice polished look to it, with Wolfe doing many interesting things with his limited budget. Todd Sandler's editing is first-rate, with many memorable cuts and fades (watch for the telephone call between Graham and Clemens, and the nicely-done back and forth between the three men and the respective women in their lives). The musical and song score are fantastic, and the cinematography, especially at the beach house, is luscious.

Wolfe's screenplay may be mistaken for a former stage play, he opens it up nicely, not hitting the beach house until a third of the way into the film. While a couple of scenes seem slightly forced (Graham and Evan's main argument, Graham's climactic speech), they are balanced by some really incredible dialogue and acting from the three men. The tension is uncomfortable, the viewer is as uneasy as Graham and Evan are around their unpredictable former friend.

I did appreciate Wolfe's direction. Under another's hand, this might have been merely a series of arguments between the cast members, but Wolfe lets the characters take their time. The lines are delivered naturally, no one seems to want to steal any scenes and chew the scenery. The scene where the three men reminisce about a date gone wrong, laughing and drinking, before things take an ugly turn, is a great thing to watch.

"Maybe Tomorrow" is currently making the film festival rounds, and should definitely be checked out. It is a tough little drama and well worth a peek. (* * * *) out of five stars.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Closet Case: "Boogeyman" (2005)

An odd thing happened to me as I watched the film "Boogeyman". From the opening few minutes, which scared me like no other film has in recent memory, to the ridiculously laughable finale, I could keep track of my love of this film regress to like, nothing, loathing, and finally desperate hatred.

Tim (Barry Watson, who does try, and yes, I am the only person on the planet who liked "Sorority Boys") is a quivering emotional wreck after watching his father get brutally attacked and taken by some unseen force. Tim was a child, but never forgot that he saw his father disappear into a bedroom closet, never to be seen again, and is now trying to live a normal life working at a magazine and dating rich girl Jessica (Tory Mussett). Tim also has a fear of closets, standing before them in a trance whenever he sees one...not sure if school lockers or storage units set him off, the three screenwriters responsible for this don't let on. Tim's mother (Lucy Lawless, in an obviously slashed role not even deserving of the word "cameo") dies and Tim decides to take ONE night to go through her things at the very house where his father vanished from. The house still has lots o' closets, and while Tim does reconnect with childhood friend Kate (Emily Deschanel, who is so much better in "Bones", where she plays an actual character), he must battle the titular monster with the help of a new character, a little girl named Frannie (Skye McCole Bartusiak) who you know is not what she seems from her very first appearance onscreen.

The first sequence in the film, where a young Tim (Aaron Murphy) imagines innocent items in his room coming alive, until finally something does attack his father, plays on everyone's fear of their own space when they were younger (monsters under the bed and in the closet), and genuinely had me frightened. I wondered what my fellow critics were talking about when they trashed this film, this was some scary stuff...until I kept watching the film. Every scene. EVERY scene has a scare in it. When Tim goes back to his childhood psychiatric hospital to visit his doctor, we get no exposition or plot development, just another scene of a scared child that, while creepy, has nothing to do with the rest of the film. Every time Tim approaches a freaking closet, director Kay kicks the visuals into overdrive, as the camera swoops and darts and your mind begins to wander...what exactly is the Boogeyman? The film never fully explains anything. What happens to the people the Boogeyman takes? Where does Tim's sudden ability to bend time and space come from? Are the Boogeyman's victims just waiting in another closet somewhere, watching the clock tick as Tim walks into one closet after another, looking for them?

Yes, the script is a mess. Someone took out all of the scenes that didn't have a sense of dread in them, and tried to cobble together a scary film from what was left. You never come to care about Tim or any of the other characters because of that decision. Aside from the film's beginning, there are many unsettling scenes (Frannie's house), but they are quickly forgotten as the film makers pile on jump scares to keep the viewer watching until the very lame finale. Sam Raimi is listed as a producer, I don't see him pushing this film in any of the Wizard of Oz prequel trailer ads. I watched this on DVD, and was so miffed with the film when it was over, I didn't care about deleted scenes or alternate endings, I just wanted it out of my player and on the bottom of the big stack of discs I still need to watch.

Not surprisingly, "Boogeyman" was successful enough (a PG13 rating brought in a few more ticket buyers) to generate a couple of straight to video sequels. When Kate asks "is it over?" toward the end of the film, I answered out loud "I hope so". (*) out of five stars.