Thursday, October 11, 2012

I Can't Get No Satisfaction: "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" (1981)

This cheap little sci-fi/porn boldly holds the crown for one of the stupidest film titles of all-time, until "The Myth of Fingerprints" was released.

A bearded Algon (Robert Kerman) is sad. He and his best buddy Griffin (Herschel Savage) live in the twenty-first century in a world without poverty and war. When men need a little future lovin', they simply call up a "satisfier," whose main job (so to speak) is to cater to their every sexual whim. While Griffin enjoys the wall to wall all day sex, Algon wants something more, he wants love and romance.

The satisfiers' main goal is to become a hostess, then they will be able to pick the men they sleep with. Algon fixates on the lovely Diana (Lysa Thatcher), who promptly rejects him. After a little slap happy rough sex, Diana comes around (so to speak), and Algon and Diana live happily ever after...c'mon, this is a porno, you want Shakespeare?

I remember reading that years ago, when Stanley Kubrick was looking to make "Eyes Wide Shut," he had planned on filming it with hardcore sex scenes. He did not realize that dream, and I doubt he could have. I do not think there are enough good actors and actresses out there who can both deliver a line of dialogue and go down on three guys at once. With the ever blurring line between porn and the mainstream, this film stands out (so to speak) as a relic. Damiano just wanted to put raincoat wearing butts in the dirty theater's seats, he was not looking to make a mainstream film that would be shown in suburbia. The acting here is porn acting- awful. Since most of the talent is between the performers' legs, why be concerned with emoting and characterization? Typical of most porn, I marveled at some of the pretty girls, rolled my eyes at the technical aspects, and waited patiently for the thing to end; with comments ranging from "that's gotta hurt" to "geez, what a big clitoris."

The sets and costumes are hilarious. We are all supposed to be wearing knits and watching stock film footage on giant wall televisions. The plot lumbers along so the cast members can do what they were really hired for. There are only so many ways to film the sex act, but Damiano tries to put a new spin on the proceedings- slow motion, freeze framing, and extreme close-ups all try to mask a really sad film. This was followed by a sequel, "Return to Alpha Blue," but I doubt I will be looking for that anytime soon.

Done in the waning days before video came and saved the porn industry, "The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" elicits sympathy more than erotica. Here, satisfaction is not guaranteed. (*) out of five stars.