Monday, September 24, 2012

Elf Mutilation: "Elves" (1989)

Kirsten has not had a good Christmas. While performing a ritual in the woods against Christmas, she accidentally cuts herself and her blood awakens a long buried elf.

Kirsten's mom is a megabitch, for reasons we find out later. Kirsten's grandpapa is also evil, for reasons we find out later.

Kirsten gets to know the chain smoking department store Santa/recovering alcoholic Mike, haggardly played by Dan Haggerty, eons from Grizzly Mountain. Mike is also suspicious of certain creature reports, and he and Kirsten find themselves involved in a murder spree in the department store Mike and Kirsten work at.

As Mike and Kirsten investigate the strange goings-on, we find out (and I am not making this up) that the elf is the product of Nazi genetic engineering. It seems Kirsten's grandpa is also Kirsten's father (no wonder mom is angry) and the elf is to mate with Kirsten at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve so they can create an army of elf assassins to bring about the Fourth Reich, all of which is prophesied in the Bible's Book of Revelations...I hear you giggling.

Although most of Kirsten's friends are dispatched by either the killer elf or the Nazis, no one believes her and the finale takes place in the same woods where she accidentally brought the elf back to life. Even though she and her brother purposely lose themselves in the woods, the brother is still able to find his way home to get the magic crystal needed to kill the elf. He also makes his way back to the secret location in record time, all without the aid of a trail of bread crumbs.

Despite the title, there is only one elf in the film. He is ugly as all get out, but is obviously a very hard-to-maneuver plastic effect, since he never closes his mouth. Haggerty has a cigarette in his mouth in every scene, including the silly department store gun fight, where no one seems to get shot. It took three writers to come up with this Nazi/elf cross, I think Al Qaeda/Easter bunny films might be next on the horizon. The film supposedly takes place around Christmas, but the holiday seems to be worked in to the story after the set designer frequented a couple of clearance sales at Wal-Mart. One real drawback is the fact that this film is very ugly. It is mean. It is not scary, and not fun in a scary way. It is just plain mean.

The cast goes through the film never seeing the elf, even though it is two feet high and stands in the middle of everything. I have had less trouble finding my car in the mall parking lot than these idiots have of finding the stupid elf.

"Elves" is bad, and joins the entire "Silent Night, Deadly Night" series in proving that "Black Christmas" is still the scariest Christmas movie ever made. I suggest you skip this one. (*) out of five stars.