Monday, September 24, 2012

Fool's Gold: "Enemy Gold" (1993)

This movie is so stupid I do not know where to begin.

An unnamed federal agency has a couple of hunky employees about to bust a cocaine smuggling operation. The clever drug dealers hid their contraband cocaine in hollowed-out watermelons. Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) and Mark Austin (Mark Barriere) are visited by Chris' old flame Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson, and no, I am not making up the characters' names).

The trio raid a farm and kill a couple of baddies before their jerk supervisor Dickson (Alan Abelew) pulls up all full of guff and vinegar over the gunplay. Dickson files a report, the agents' other boss Ava Noble (Tai Collins) cannot help them, and they are suspended. What a perfect time to go hunting for lost Confederate gold in the nearby woods! The three take off, but evil drug dealer Santiago (Rodrigo Obregon) has brought in female assassin Jewel Panther (Julie Strain, and let me remind you that I am not making up the characters' names), and everyone heads to the woods for some boring action sequences.

"Enemy Gold" may be one of the most juvenile scripts ever written. I honestly believe the screenwriters are actually twelve year old boys, and heavy into dirt bikes, all terrain vehicles, and getting pretty augmented blondes into showers. The character names alone are laughable. The film takes place in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, but I did not see our own Jack Sommersby peeking out from behind the foliage at the blonde scenery.

The script is so badly written, it would take a cast of immensely awful actors to call attention away from it, and "Enemy Gold" succeeds. There are no performances here. The actors are lucky to find their marks. The ladies' only direction must have been "arch your back, wet your lips, and say your line." The Amazonian-like Strain has great screen presence, but all of her line readings are flat and she tends to emphasize the wrong words. Simpson and Collins strip often, but there isn't much eroticism in plastic surgery scar tissue. Their breasts are impossibly big, I wondered how many kilos Santiago could have smuggled in one of their hollowed-out boobs. Sidaris couldn't direct one way traffic, much less difficult items like conversation or actors pretending to shoot at each other.

Sure, I may be rough. Some of you out there might say, "shut your brain off and enjoy a bad film." No! Why should I excuse bad film making? I do not expect every film I pick up to have the weight of "Schindler's List," but my God, try to put your best effort onscreen! Why should I shut my brain off? The film makers made their movie without a thought in their collective noggins.

"Enemy Gold" is stunningly awful. It is so awful, you may find yourself short of breath. If you look up "awful" in the dictionary, they would have a picture of this film's video box. This film sullies the good name "awful" has made for itself with other films like "Alien Invader" and "Two Much." This movie is so awful, I found time during the boring stretches to rearrange the letters of the title "Enemy Gold" to spell "lego my end" and "dong my eel."

Why go through the motions of renting "Enemy Gold" when you can go down to the local zoo and have feces flung at you by real live chimps? Watching this has the same effect. I hated this thing. (*) out of five stars.