Thursday, September 20, 2012

Tits for Tat: "Double Agent 73" (1974)

With a stage name like Chesty Morgan, of course you will make films like this.

Chesty plays Jane, a secret agent who is investigating a drug ring that is flooding the U.S. with low grade heroin. Yeah, we Americans deserve the high grade heroin Canada gets! Anyway, a camera is implanted into Chesty's left breast and she photographs the men she kills so they can find Toplar, the evil villain who is only identified as having a scar on his face. Chesty is released into New York City to track down and find Toplar. She kills many men, photographs them, and the real Toplar is exposed.

Oh...my...God. The entire film is dubbed, badly. The camera kind of wanders around the set. Morgan's breasts look like two albino watermelons strapped to her chest. They are so huge they do not look erotic, just painful. When she takes her bra off, which is often, she must cradle them in one arm instead of just dropping them out of the bra cups for fear of dislocating her own shoulders.

The funniest aspect of this film is the boob camera. In order to take the picture, she must mash her left boob. The viewer will hear the sound of a camera's shutter, and see a flashbulb go off. I was not aware they implanted a flashbulb, too, but I do not think I want to know where it is. For fun, every time Chesty squeezes her breast to take a picture, make a honking noise with your mouth. The climax involves Chesty getting back to her superior's office before a certain time, or else the camera in her breast will explode! Kind of like Snake Plissken in "Escape from New York," but with a middle aged Polish woman in a pontoon bra. There is plenty of Chesty on display here, but it is like "Showgirls." The first couple of nude scenes are kind of fun, but after that, you will be checking your watch and trying to remember what the running time was on this thing. The "action" scenes consist of poor stunt work, although Chesty does beat one guy into submission with her ample bosom. That alone was worth the price of rental.

This film serves as a reminder of what a decorating nightmare the 1970's were. The houses they shot this in were probably really mod back then, now they serve to induce migraine headaches in unsuspecting viewers.

Doris Wishman is a cult director, but with this, it is hard to imagine why. Even for fans of bad movies, "Double Agent 73" is one bad movie. I cannot recommend it. (*) out of five stars.