Monday, March 12, 2012

Well, the Cocaine Would Explain the Awful Film: "Cocaine Cowboys" (1979)

Beware: This film features Andy Warhol, trying to act.

The premise of this 80 minutes in purgatory is as follows: A rock band smuggles 20 kilograms of cocaine from Colombia to Montauk, Long Island. They throw the cocaine in the sea right in front of their palatial home, then land at the airport. They double back to the house and try to find the cocaine, but are not successful. Drug smugglers begin calling the band's manager, wondering where the cocaine is. The band members argue amongst themselves, wondering where the cocaine is. This reviewer questions his video choice, wondering where the plot is.

This was shot at Andy Warhol's home, so they had to give him a part in the movie. He does his Andy things, taking Polaroids, and not playing himself very convincingly. Jack Palance plays the band's manager, and is way too old for the part. He chomps on a cigar and talks about "our music." The rock band, full of people I have never heard of, is pretty awful. The handful of songs, including the title ballad, are all terrible.

Most of the film consists of the following scenes: angry drug smugglers call up Palance and yell at him, rock band members half-heartedly search for the cocaine on the beach, at night they rehearse, angry drug smugglers call up Palance and yell at him...see a pattern?

The best scene involves the nerdy gofer of the band who found the cocaine and hid it (there were only three people in the house when the cocaine was dropped, you do not have to be Hercules Poirot to figure this one out). The gofer entices the maid into bed with him, promising lots of dough for all that blow. She then dumps two containers of baby powder on him as he writhes in ecstasy. The scene lasts less than fifteen seconds, but it is almost worth the video rental price...almost.

This is a very bad film. Palance looks shocked he got roped into this, and Warhol fans will be sorely disappointed. The instrumental soundtrack sounds like those heartfelt moments they used to have on TV's "CHiPs," when the little boy was finally reunited with his alcoholic dad, and the songs here are nothing the Grammys will be criticized for overlooking.

"Cocaine Cowboys" is as enjoyable as a nosebleed. (*) out of five stars.