Thursday, March 22, 2012

Conceit: "Conquest" (1984)

Ah, Lucio Fulci, rest in peace. This infamous Italian is most famous for "Zombie," and the absolutely unwatchable "The Psychic" and "Manhattan Baby." Well, add this to the unwatchable list.

The plot, as it were, concerns a nekkid woman who wears a gold mask and a G-string. She wants the power of a young dubbed stud who has a set of magic arrows and a bow. They are magic because they glow. Arrow boy teams up with a guy in a bad wig, and they spend most of the movie rescuing each other from flat action sequences. In the end, the nekkid chick is defeated, but not before taking the mask off and reminding me why I broke up with my high school girlfriend.

Fulci bathes every shot in an orange glow and fills the screen with smoke. Nothing like a smoky orange action sequence to make you crave Sunny Delight and a cigarette. The special effects are laughable. In one sequence, our ambiguously gay duo are attacked by dozens of arrows that are obviously pin scratches on the film itself. The majority of the effects budget must have been spent on the Fulci-licious gore, which consists entirely of spurting wounds. Hey, we can all use a good spurting wound once in a while, but when you get into spurting wound overkill, it gets boring. I kept having to play with the brightness setting on my TV anyway just to see what the heck was happening.

There is lots of talk of fulfilling omens and prophecies, so let me do a little look into the future...if you find this movie and watch it, you will regret it. The scene on the video box (by Media) does not appear in the film in any context whatsoever.

"Conquest" is a con job. What MST3K could have done with this! (*) out of five stars.