Monday, November 28, 2011

Please, Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em Anymore With Your Acting: "Cheyenne" (1996)

MC Hammer, his do rag, and his razor wielding midget sidekick are just a couple of aspects of this awful, inept western.

Sexy Cheyenne (Sexy Bobbie Phillips) runs away from jerk husband Starrett (Bo Svenson) and takes all his dirty gun running money with her. Bounty hunter Jeremiah (Gary Hudson) comes to town, is framed for stealing a horse, and almost finds himself swinging from a tree. Starrett makes him a deal- find his wife alive, and he will get a thousand dollars. Jeremiah rides off to look for Cheyenne. Haddox (M.C. Hammer) and little person Razor (Robert Bell) arrive for the job, and Starrett makes them the same deal. Why? Starrett has Jeremiah out there, why bring in another bounty hunter?

Keeping in the proud modern western film tradition of automatically trying to rape all female characters, Cheyenne is attacked in a cabin by a bunch of fat guys and Jeremiah saves her. He ties her up and heads back to Starrett. Haddox finds out they are together, and rides out after them. How? Cell phone technology was nonexistent, no one knows they are together, so who told Haddox? Cheyenne has hid the money, and she and Jeremiah grow closer, bickering and bantering like a Kate Hudson rom-com. Haddox catches up to them, they escape.

Meanwhile, back at the other uninteresting subplot, Starrett's latest gun deal goes bad. He now has no money to pay whoever brings his wife back first. Haddox finally captures Cheyenne and takes her to Starrett, with a thought-dead Jeremiah in pursuit.

At one point in the movie, Jeremiah spies on Haddox and Razor with binoculars from the top of a very high cliff. The problem is, when he looks through the binoculars, the director has Jeremiah's point of view at the bottom of the valley on the same line of vision as Haddox. The amateurish music score is often so loud, it drowns out dialogue. Hammer smokes a cigar and wears western wear. However, the costume is too big, so he looks like a ten year old playing cowboy. He also holds and smokes his cigar like Sister Mary Catherine of the Perpetual Sorrow discovering her first Pall Mall.

Bo Svenson lends some weight to this piece of foul breeze, doing his best with an impossible script. Bobbie Phillips has awfully white teeth for a kept western woman, but her frequent nude scenes will soon distract you. These scenes should be savored and remembered, since everything surrounding her is bad.

"Cheyenne" proves that anyone can make a movie if they have access to a three hundred dollar budget and an all day group pass to Monument Valley. Making a GOOD film is the ultimate challenge, and "Cheyenne" fails miserably. (*) out of five stars.