Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sex Bytes...If You Pay Extra: "The Best of Sex Bytes"



"Sex Bytes" is an HBO series that is a carbon copy of "Real Sex," but dresses itself up with a tenuous computer and internet connection. This hour long tape is a series of little stories about fetishes and other strange sexual practices, usually with the participants defending their lifestyle.

The first segment deals with Sploshing, or combining food and sex. Different free spirits cavort for the camera, covered in different items you normally find at a convenience store. The gang talks about food and meals as foreplay (ad nauseum), before one beautiful woman is turned into a human banana split. While the ladies here are beautiful, everyone unfortunately opens their mouths (to talk) and come off as complete idiots. Check out the blond who praises her big cheeks (facial) because she can mix a lot of food in her mouth and spit it back out on her lover. Yum-not...

The next segment features a pretty woman with underarm hair regaling us with the joys of whipping. This is also a pretty bland episode, and I began to wonder about everyone's sanity when the woman said she preferred the whipping to actual sex.

Human sculpting was interesting just because of the scariest lesbian I have ever seen (and that includes Agnes Moorehead). A dental worker got the idea to use denture mold plaster on nude bodies in different positions, and making an identical cast of the subjects. Before you can say "overbite," a lesbian couple are posing for the messy artistic endeavor. The talky one has a full beard. I don't mean some facial fuzz that some women, and James Van Der Beek, have. This gal has a full on beard, giving Francis Ford Coppola a run for his money. She calls herself "gender neutral," I call her "Sasquatch."

Next is the story of the punk rock band Impotent Sea Snakes. These are five guys in drag who invite audience members up on stage to have actual intercourse during the concert. Inhibitions, and fears of sexually transmitted diseases, are shed so people can get groped, fondled, and pierced. The sex part of the show is what brings people in, the music I heard was less than listenable.

The public nudity story was the first one that featured any connection between sex and cyberspace. Sara St. James, a clone of Cameron Diaz, walks around southern California nude, and has a photographer snap pictures for posting on her website. It helps that St. James is gorgeous, and the reactions to her nude rollerblading is pretty funny. She does skydive nude, and the wind velocity's effect on her breasts might be worthy of a university study.

The silliest part of the tape is the one dealing with Sex Magic. Two punkers with haircuts that threaten to be more interesting than anything they say start talking about the spiritual side of sex. These two do not just make love, they leave their bodies and "astral travel in the sexual universe." Throw in laughable talk about the third eye (the one on the forehead) and tantra energy, and this whole segment is a yawnfest.

Next are more beautiful bodies at a swingers' resort in Mexico. Again, the women are gorgeous, but it seems sad to watch them try to justify their collective horniness by pontificating about how much stronger their relationships are. The best part? Watching a mariachi band play while the six take part in some swimming pool passion.

The next two segments are both short and boring. There is a guy who has a foot fetish, and watching him slurp and lick an otherwise beautiful woman's feet is funny. Then, another computer themed story talks about Sizzle, an online virtual strip club. Patrons just watch the women strip from the comfort of their computers. This is also the first time on the tape where breast implants make themselves boldly known.

At this point, while I appreciated all the beautiful skin, I knew the majority of the video's viewers did not have perfect bodies and chiseled good looks, much less a chance (or desire) to participate in these acts. What about us fat people?

Cue Candye Kane, a voluptuous woman whose measurements are 54-38-48. Candye seems halfway intelligent, talking about how cybersex can serve to stave off the onslaught of AIDS. She has a cabaret act, and a big fun voice that reminded me of Mama Cass. Of course, then Candye killed any respect I mustered, as I am pretty sure Mama Cass did not bury her face in a man's crotch onstage before taking her top off to play the keyboard with her breasts. Talk about your large pianists.

In the end, "The Best of Sex Bytes" is nothing more than softcore porn disguised as serious documentary. All of the interview subjects can barely put a thought together, more worried that the viewer might see what they do as weird. It is weird, but we all like to watch, too.

I will recommend "The Best of Sex Bytes" based on the physical beauty alone, but I doubt these same people will ever be heard from again unless you watch "Jerry Springer"...or it's sweeps week on "20/20." (* * *) out of five stars. Get this movie now!: HBO's Real Sex Presents: The Best of Sex Bytes