Wednesday, April 20, 2011

"The Greatest Heroes of the Bible: David and Goliath"

"The Greatest Heroes of the Bible" ineptitude continues with this blase recreation of the epic fight between shepherd David and giant warrior Goliath.

Roger Kern is the eager young David who goes to the front of a stalemated war between King Saul's army and that of John Dehner, who plays a king whose name I did not catch in the opening credits, thanks to lousy audio on the videotape. David is taking bread to his brothers, one of who is Daniel J. Travanti, and the army meets up with Goliath, played by the late and underappreciated Ted Cassidy. Cassidy sounds like a modern day professional wrestler, and looks like one too, dressed in a trojan outfit and spouting insults like "vermin" and "wormy." Lord general Hugh O'Brian convinces King Saul, the awful Jeff Corey, to let David fight Goliath so O'Brian can move his tens of men into position to attack the tens of Dehner's troops.

David and Goliath meet, Goliath cannot seem to make any of his javelins take the little shepherd out, and as O'Brian gets his men in position, David hits Goliath in the forehead with a stone and kills him. What follows is a couple of dozen men running around and whacking each other with plastic swords in one of the least bloody battles ever filmed.

Like a bad car accident, I cannot seem to look away from this series. The B cast looks properly ashamed to be in this thing. The Magnum Entertainment/Guiding Image video release is also only thirty seven minutes long, as opposed to "TGHOTB: Abraham's Sacrifice," which was fifty five minutes long. The end credits list Ann Doran and other actresses, but there are no women at all in this video version, indicating cuts. Here, the cast is listed at the beginning, but not the crew, so I have no idea who wrote or directed this unvaliant try.

There are good movies based on stories from the Bible, and then there is this. "The Greatest Heroes of the Bible: David and Goliath" feels like a rock to the forehead. I cannot recommend it. (*) out of five stars. Get this episode now!: Greatest Heroes of the Bible: Volume One - The Bible's Greatest Stories: The Ten Commandments / The Story of Noah / David & Goliath / Samson & Delilah