Thursday, April 28, 2011

Animal In-STINKS (giggle): "Animal Instincts- The Seductress" (1996)

Only in direct-to-video softcore porn could stupid films like this exist.

Joanna (Wendy Schumacher) is a world renowned best selling author/sex expert. She is very famous, but still finds time to entertain the little people by having sex in public places with total strangers thanks to her chronic exhibitionism. She meets Alex (James Matthew), the world renowned blind record producer/knife thrower. Don't you see the irony? An exhibitionist is dating a blind man! Don't the possibilities stun you?

I am not giving anything away here, but Alex's blindness is as real as Paris Hilton's sex appeal. He is faking and playing mind games with Joanna because...well, I don't know why and you won't care. Making Alex's character a record producer means Joanna gets to bed a bunch of musician stereotypes right in front of Alex, never questioning his poorly played infirmity.

Gregory Dark, renowned porn creator, Britney Spears' former music video director, and one of the sleaziest looking creatures on the planet, brings little visual flair to the stupid script. The screenwriter tries to say something about the state of relationships, but his thought provoking lines are delivered by actors who wouldn't get a callback for a kindergarten pageant about fighting tooth decay.

"Animal Instincts- The Seductress" also lacks the sexy Shannon Whirry of the first two "Animal Instincts" films, replacing her with a pouty Schumacher. Schumacher looks too much like a bitchy former coworker of mine to elicit any other feeling that contempt.

Slight film, slight review, unless dry humping and lousy music are your thing: in that case, just rewatch your prom night video (ohh, burn...)! (*) out of five stars.