Friday, April 1, 2011

Old Spice: "The Abductors" (1972)

Meet Ginger. She is the ultra feminist secret agent created to counterbalance that chauvinist pig James Bond. And in this film, she solves a case that has no global significance whatsoever.

Cheri Caffaro is Ginger, complete with hideous knit costumes, an ability to seduce men in a single bound, and makeup applied with a trowel and bucket.

A gang of henchmen, led by Jablon (Patrick Wright), kidnap three young beauties. They make no secret that they psychologically torture the girls until they submit, then sell them to rich men as mistresses in bondage. Jason Varone (William Grannell), a poor man's M, calls in Ginger to investigate the case. Ginger's secret agent gadget? Small radar disks that can be swallowed, then tracked by someone with a radar set up in their car...come on, this was made in 1972.

Ginger finds the girls' torched car in the middle of the woods, and stumbles on hunky Ken, a local ad exec. Ginger's suspicions are never aroused, although Ken certainly is, and the two make a date. Cue the foolproof plan. The kidnapped girls were in the local paper, so Ginger and Jason send for hot detective gal Carter (Jennifer Brooks) to pose as a starlet who is vacationing in town. Ken will plaster her likeness everywhere, and the abductors will just have to grab her. And they do. During Ken and Ginger's date. Poor Carter is shoved into a car, topless, taken to a cabin, molested, and probably praying that the enchilada buffet lunch did not clear out her swallowed radar disk. Ginger gets to the cabin in time to see Carter taken by helicopter to an undisclosed location. So much for your foolproof plans. Ginger kicks the dirt, shakes her fist at God, then takes a henchman hostage and finds out vital info.

Meanwhile, the henchmen get a little judo from Carter, and suspect she may not be a starlet after all. Ken and Ginger ironically shag on a shag carpet, and Ken reveals himself to be in cahoots with the villains. Ginger is then abducted, but she has been swallowing radar disks too, allowing our man hero Jason to call in the state police to set upon a compound in the middle of nowhere.

Ken beds Carter, and we find a little forced sex is all it takes to get her talking about the plan to bring down the bad guys. With ones of cops, Jason storms the compound, where everyone's effects guns often click and misfire. Ginger gets her revenge on an escaped Ken, yet the damn thing is still not over as Jason and Ginger go after Mister Big, the one man behind the scenes running the whole kit and caboodle. Don't put on your thinking caps and break out your Clue game, the guy is someone who is never introduced during the film, save the back of his head.

This was the middle film in a trio of crap featuring Ginger. The often naked women are nice to look at, in the halcyon days before breast implants, but their nipples and genitalia are twisted and tweaked more than a sound board during the mic check before an Aerosmith concert. Be warned, hairy middle aged male villains are on as much flesh display as the girls, which can result in sweating and night terrors. Schain's direction consists of gluing the camera to the floor and slowly zooming in and out of each scene. For a secret agent, Ginger is kind of an idiot. Her idea of feminism is taking off her clothes and acting horny so the henchmen will untie her. Most of the cast has not worked since this series, and it is easy to see why.

Sure, it's exploitation, but it is so monumentally bad, the fun is soon forgotten, leaving one's hopes flaccid and dangling. I sentence "The Abductors" to solitary, never to be seen again. (*) out of five stars.