Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Let Me Count the Ways: "101 Love Positions" (2001)



When I saw this video, I thought, "what, two people are just going to show me over a hundred sexual positions in the course of two hours?" Well, yes.

A young, tan, rather hairless thin guy and a freckled girl who looks like Debra Messing dry hump for two solid hours. This is not hardcore pornography, nothing is really seen up close, no money shots, the two simply act out sexual positions. The video begins with a screen reading "1," the couple do some position for about a minute, then "2." I thought I would transcribe my copious notes into this review, giving you insight into what I write and how I observed the video. The numbers on the left denote the sexual position, and then my comments:

1- Oh, yeah, here we go
2- Did he just bite her ear?
3- She has a tattoo
5- Hey, that's just a variation on number 4
8- I'm bored
10- Where did the couch go?
14- No freaking way
15- If I could bend like that, I wouldn't need a sexual partner
17- What is this, gym class?
19- That's just 18, from another camera angle
21- They have somehow managed to have sex out into the backyard
24- I've done that...with a turkey wishbone after Thanksgiving dinner
25- I doubt I could use mine to lift a whole person
28- There's the couch
33- Where's her other foot?!? Oh, there it is
37- Isn't that assault?
47- We're at 47? Did I fall asleep?
51- Over half way there!
52- They're back on the porch
53- C'mon, honey, let's go outside and I'll dangle you off the front door for all the neighbors to see
61- Are those bruises?
64- Why do the people next door to me have a dog? Dogs aren't allowed in my apartment building
68- I am laughing, I swear
69- What they are doing is not what anyone else associates with the number 69
71- He just bit her foot
72- No freaking way
76- The dog next door finally stopped barking
79- Two killed in bizarre sexual position video accident, film at eleven
84- The end is near...so to speak
88- And now we found an outdoor table
90- He just bit her back
93- I am laughing again
94- NOW we find the swimming pool?
99- I thought you couldn't have sex in the pool for fifteen minutes after you ate, or else you'd cramp up
101- In or out, buddy?

I cannot believe I watched the whole thing. Before you get too excited, there is no oral sex. They may boast that there are over one hundred positions, but actually only a couple of dozen are done with little variation. The two cast members, uncredited, probably shot this in an afternoon. They both look tired, and their hair is frizzed and dried out. There is no sound from them, just badly done new age music, so when they speak, your lip reading might pick up "I love you," "stop biting me," or "we're only in the mid-40's?" The positions are not named, either, so be careful if you tell your partner "tonight, I want to do number two on you," and others overhear. Same sex partners look elsewhere, too. This is man and woman illustrating safe procreating sex (badly).

"101 Love Positions" is supposed to bring couples together and enrich their relationship. Too bad a video celebrating closeness is so anonymous and devoid of feeling. (*) out of five stars. Buy this film now!: 101 Love Positions - Sexual Positions